


girls like dollies

by artificiallale



Series: girls like dollies [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt, Discussions of abuse, F/F, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 09:51:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10739259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificiallale/pseuds/artificiallale
Summary: The door swung open, revealing a girl in the middle of a cluttered room. She was bent over backwards, hands on the floor. She grinned at Ginger, and even upside down Trixie could tell she had the most stunning smile of gleaming white teeth. Her tangled blonde hair formed a messy halo around her head, and Trixie could see firm, shapely thighs where her skirt had ridden up.“Trixie, this is Katya. You’re unfortunate enough to be sharing most of your classes with her,” Ginger said. The girl pushed herself up, effortlessly flipping her legs over her head and landing lightly on her feet before turning to look at them.“Hello!” she said, that same big grin on her face as she looked Trixie up and down. Trixie could feel her whole face flush. She was easily the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen in her life, and Trixie was totally, utterly fucked.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is...possibly the most self-indulgent labour of love I've ever created. Shout out to my lil sixteen year old gay self at boarding school for inspiring it, lmao. I wrote this with the life is strange soundtrack playing on loop in the background, it's a gorgeous soundtrack and definitely fits with the vibe of this fic! Eternal thanks to campholmes and matilda_queen, ily!! <3

When she was little, growing up in a sleepy country town, Trixie had read stories about kids being sent away to boarding school and dreamed about what it would be like. Of course, she knew the reality would be nothing like Hogwarts or any of the other crazy schools she’d read about, but as she stood in front of the towering structure of RuPaul Charles’ Academy for Girls she wondered if it could live up to anything she’d imagined it could be. The social services lady who’d driven her up here had already climbed back into her car, leaving Trixie standing in front of the huge oak doors, pink duffel over one shoulder and guitar case in her other hand, a battered suitcase stood beside her. 

She’d been trying to persuade her mother to help her apply for RuPaul’s for years now, leaving brochures around the house and telling her endlessly about the amazing scholarships they offered for their drama program, which was supposed to be one of the best in the country. Her friend Kim, who’d gone to high school with her for Freshman year, had gone to Rupaul’s the year after that, and they’d exchanged emails, and then messages on facebook, ever since. Although they’d gotten more infrequent over the years, Kim’s messages always left Trixie longing to join her. But her mom had been wary of sending her so far away, worried that something would happen to her; it was ironic, given the way she always turned a blind eye to what was happening to Trixie in her own home. She’d just about given up on the idea that she’d ever get to come here, resigning herself to finishing up high school in Milwaukee and focusing instead on the knowledge that she’d be able to escape for college. 

Trixie hadn’t expected one of the worst points of her life to end up getting her what she’d wanted for years. It wasn’t like things had ever been all that smooth since her step-father had come into the picture, but it hadn’t always been terrible. Sometimes he’d made do with ignoring her, which suited Trixie perfectly; other times, she wasn’t so lucky. But he’d never gotten physical until the day Trixie’s sister, eight years old and with no ulterior motives beside wanting to push Trixie’s buttons, repeated a rumor she’d heard from a friend with a sister in Trixie’s class. He’d lost it, and not even Trixie’s heavy makeup could hide all the bruises the next day at school. 

She still had no idea who had called social services, but her life had turned into a whirlwind from the moment his palm had first met her cheek. First had been the sleepless night sobbing into her pillow, confused and desperate to know why her mom still hadn’t done anything. Then had come the numbness that had set in when morning came, coating layer after layer of concealer on in an attempt to cover both her raw red eyes and the puffy purple bruising. School had been a blur, the exhaustion from the night before kicking in as she sat through class after class without taking in a thing going on around her. She’d barely started to think about what she’d do when she got home, or what would be waiting for her – would this be how things would go from now on? Should she try to leave? Was her mom ever going to say anything to her, or was she just going to pretend nothing had changed? 

As it turned out, she still had no idea what would have happened. There was a car pulled up outside their house when she arrived home, and the woman stood in the kitchen with her mom had only needed one look at Trixie’s face before she was whisking her away. She’d barely had a moment to realize what was happening, and the she was packing a bag and being hustled into the back of an unfamiliar sedan. She could still picture her mother, white faced and standing on the doorstep as she watched them drive away. 

She was still processing it all, really. She’d been shifted between a few group homes, too old at 16 to be put with a proper foster family. It hadn’t been until the third that she’d started to realize that she wouldn’t be going home anytime soon. She hadn’t seen any of her family since the morning after it had all happened; she didn’t even know if her siblings knew what had happened. Maybe he’d told them she’d run away. In her darker moments, she wondered if they’d be glad.

Once she’d started getting her head around the idea that she wouldn’t get to go home soon, she’d started trying to write a letter to Kim. It’d been hard, trying to put pen to paper and tell her what had happened. It would have been so much easier if she could have told her in person. She missed her fiercely in that moment, but it had been what had put the thought in her head that maybe this was her chance to finally get to go to her dream school. 

A few intimidating conversations with her social worker later – it still kind of blew her mind that she had a social worker – and here she was, standing in front of the school she’d been desperate to go to for years. Her audition had been intense, but the glowing note filled with praise from the drama instructor that came along with her acceptance letter had been one of the few things that had made her smile since that terrible night. Still, now that she was actually here she felt even more nervous. She’d pinned all of her hopes on this place, and now she was suddenly terrified that it wouldn’t be everything she’d hoped. She’d managed to send Kim a short message that didn’t say a lot more than, “I’m coming to RuPaul’s, BITCH!”, but she hadn’t heard back yet. Logically, she knew that was most likely because she’d only sent it a couple of days ago and Kim didn't always get the best wifi at school, but what if Kim was actually dreading seeing her? They hadn’t seen each other in over year, and Kim had always sounded like she’d made so many new, great friends at RuPaul’s. That was part of what had always attracted Trixie to the school, but what if Kim didn’t want Trixie there to cramp her style? 

She couldn’t stand in front of the doors forever. Trixie took a deep breath, hitching her duffel bag up higher onto her shoulder and grabbing the handle of her suitcase. She could do this. She was Trixie Mattel, and she was finally getting her chance at the school she’d been dreaming about for years. It was going to be amazing, and she was going to forget all about everything that had happened at home. She was. A determined expression on her face, Trixie grasped the doorknob and took her first step into RuPaul Charles’ Academy for Girls.


	2. chapter one

Part of what had made Trixie so nervous about starting at RuPaul’s was that, thanks to the last minute nature of her application, she’d started almost two weeks into the semester. It was a Thursday afternoon by the time she arrived, and the rest of the students were still in class. Miss Charles, the principal, was busy, so Trixie got to skip her first introduction with her in favor of a tour with Mr Matthews, who was apparently one of the drama teachers. He didn’t seem fazed by the fact that she was alone, and once she’d put her bags down by the wide staircase in the entrance hall he lead her down a corridor lined with classrooms. 

“Oh, you are just going to love it here!” he assured her, a bounce to his step as they passed rows of lockers. Trixie peeked into each room they passed, wondering if she might spot Kim. The classes seemed small, with no more than ten or twelve girls dressed in identical uniforms. Trixie had her own uniform packed neatly in her suitcase, and she felt a little self-conscious as glanced down at her pink dress. She hadn’t thought about her outfit when she’d dressed earlier that morning, and now she kind of wished she’d changed into her uniform before she’d arrived.

“Don’t worry about your clothes. Classes only have twenty minutes left and some of the girls get changed as soon as they can, anyway,” Mr Matthews said, apparently sensing her unease. “Classes last until 2:30 every day, and then afternoon activities begin at 3. Dinner is at 6:30. Now, you’re part of the drama program, is that right? Ms Visage has been raving about your audition for weeks!” 

Trixie blushed, surprised that she’d made such an impression. “Yeah. Have I missed much?” she asked, eager to make sure she wasn’t at a disadvantage from starting later in the semester.

“No, no, you’ll be fine. When classes are over, I’ll find one of the girls to take you up to the dorms and get you settled. Then you can go to your first drama session today,” he promised. They rounded a corner, passing a wide doorway to what looked like a library. The school was huge and impressive; it was everything Trixie had imagined it would be. Mr Matthews showed her around the rest of the school, chatting the whole time. She paid little attention to the sports facilities or the classrooms, eager to get to the theatre she’d gotten a glimpse of at her audition.

“These are the art studios. Now, you might be part of our wonderful drama program, but a lot of the girls like to take advantage of the art classes here even if they’re more focused on other areas!” Mr Matthews said, stopping in the doorway to a large room with floor to ceiling windows lining one wall. There were a dozen canvases scattered around the room, all covered with gorgeous landscapes or detailed portraits. But Trixie’s eyes were immediately drawn to one canvas in the corner. It was a mess of colours, dark red swirled with greens and browns and blues; the more Trixie looked at it, the more it fascinated her as she tried to decipher its meaning.

“Oh, that must be Miss Katya’s work. Mr Rice mentioned she was working on something…abstract,” Mr Matthews said, his gaze following Trixie’s. 

“It’s beautiful,” Trixie said honestly. Mr Matthews looked at her in surprise, then chuckled. 

“Well, to each their own,” he said, herding her back through the corridor towards the entrance hall. There were girls emerging from the classrooms around them now, and Mr Matthews headed straight for a willowy blonde girl. “Pearl!” he called out. The girl looked around in surprise, trying to pocket a pack of cigarettes.

“I was just, uh…going outside,” she offered lamely. Mr Matthews rolled his eyes, pointedly looking in the other direction. 

“I didn’t see anything,” he said. “Pearl, this is Trixie, your new roommate. Can you show her where your room is and make sure she gets settled? I’ve told her she can go to drama class this afternoon,” he explained. 

Pearl looked Trixie up and down. She was pretty, tall and slender with big eyes. Her expression came across as almost sleepy, though, and when she smiled it was endearingly goofy. “Alright,” she agreed. Her voice was low, with vocal fry off the chart. She was certainly interesting. Trixie put on her most winning smile.

“Thanks!” she said, dashing across the hall to gather her bags. Pearl followed her, and Trixie grabbed her guitar before Pearl could try to pick it up. She couldn’t handle it if it ended up getting dropped and damaged; god knows she could never afford to replace it. Pearl didn’t comment on her protectiveness, grabbing the handles of her suitcases instead and helping her to haul them up the stairs. 

“The dorms are organized by class, so everyone in our grade is down this corridor. The bathrooms are down at the end – don’t try to shower between eight and nine unless you don’t mind cold water, that’s when everyone goes,” Pearl explained. Trixie nodded, looking at the doors around them. Each one had a whiteboard tacked onto it, some showing doodles and some simply telling her whose room it was. Most had two names scribbled across them, except for one which read, “Alaska, Detox and Roxxxy” in three distinct scrawls. 

Pearl stopped outside a door halfway down the corridor, but before she could reach the handle it opened from the inside. There was a loud shrieking nose, and Trixie found herself being pulled into a fierce hug. “Kim!” she gasped, letting her duffel drop to the group and carefully putting her guitar by her feet before she wrapped her arms around Kim. Trixie was tall but Kim was still taller, as she had been the last time they’d seen each other; it was comforting that that small detail was still the same.

“I was just about to come find you! As soon as I got your messages I persuaded Miss Visage to let you room with us,” Kim told her excitedly, taking her hand and pulling her into the room.

“Wait, you’re my roommate?” Trixie said, feeling a huge smile spread across her face. 

“Pearl helped me rearrange. There’s more than enough space for three in here,” Kim said. Sure enough, the room was bright and spacious, with large windows and a bed lined up against each remaining wall. Two were surrounded by posters and decorations, with bright, patterned bedspreads and blankets. The third was a blank slate, all for Trixie. 

“This is amazing,” Trixie said in awe. She grabbed Kim for another hug, suddenly overwhelmed by everything. Kim laughed, squeezing her. Trixie pulled back when Pearl dropped her suitcases by her bed, dashing back to grab her duffel and guitar. “I don’t really have anything to decorate with,” she realized aloud, looking mournfully down at her suitcases. She had her brand new uniform and all of the toiletries she’d bought with the money her social worker had given her, but other than that she only had the contents of her hastily packed duffel.

“I have the perfect thing for you!” Kim said proudly, opening her wardrobe and producing a stack of pink fabric with a flourish. It was exactly what Trixie would have picked for herself: pastel pink bedsheets with white, heart-covered pillow cases. Trixie couldn’t help but let out a squeal of joy, stripping the plain white covers off her bed. 

“It already feels more like home,” she said when she was done, stepping back and admiring her newly-pink corner of the room. 

“I’m so glad you’re here! I thought your mom was against it,” Kim said. Trixie shifted uncomfortably. She’d been feeling so great about being here, and she didn’t want to bring the mood down by going into everything that had happened with Kim. Besides, Pearl seemed nice but she’d only just met her. Trixie wasn’t going to tell her her life story. 

“I can be very persuasive,” she said, going to her suitcases so she could unpack her things. “Should I get changed before Drama?” she asked, trying to change the subject. 

“Yeah, that dress doesn’t look too practical,” Kim replied. Pearl had curled up on the low seat by the windows, a cigarette dangling from one hand as she blew smoke out into the fresh air. “Pearl and I have art, but we’ll take you to dinner after,” Kim said. She’d stripped out of her sweater and blouse and was rummaging in her dresser for something to wear. Trixie was surprised – Kim had always been self-conscious when they were in school together, but apparently two years of boarding school had drummed that right out of her. Trixie quickly realized why when she looked around for any privacy to change and found none.

Trixie didn’t mind her body, but she was never going to be the wispy model that Pearl was. She was built more like Kim, tall and a little chubby. She had a nice waist and she liked her big boobs, but she sometimes felt self-conscious of her thick thighs and ass. She changed quickly, glancing into the small mirror hung above the desk next to her bed and silently thanking her make up setting spray for doing its job so well. 

Just as Trixie and Kim finished changing, there was a knock on the door. “Come in,” Pearl drawled, tucking her cigarette behind her back as they waited to see who it was. A girl with pale, almost grey hair, poked her head around the door. 

“We wanted to meet your new roommate!” she said, a smile crossing her face as she stepped inside, followed by a blonde girl with some of the most stunning makeup Trixie had ever seen. 

“Trixie, this is Max and Fame. They’re in the room opposite,” Kim explained. Trixie found herself being swept into a hug by the second girl, who then leaned back and looked closely at Trixie’s face.

“Your makeup! I’ve never seen a contour like this, it’s wonderful," she said, voice full of admiration. Trixie blushed, surprised that someone with such a beautiful look would compliment her makeup. She loved painting her face in such a striking way, but she was always more likely to get curious questions than genuine praise.

“Fame, personal space,” the other girl, who had to be Max, chided gently, pulling Fame a step back with a hand to her upper arm. 

“Are you joining the art program?” Fame pressed, still fixated on Trixie’s makeup. 

“No, Drama,” she replied.

“Oh, wonderful! It’ll be nice to have someone new in the group,” Max said, sounding sincere. There was a slight affectation to her voice, but it wasn’t unpleasant. “I can take you to the theatre.”

Kim picked up her phone to check the time. “Trixie, we’ll meet you back here before dinner, okay?” she said. Trixie just nodded, feeling a little overwhelmed by the flurry of new people and new places. She carefully pushed the feeling down, determined to go with it and make a good first impression. 

“Is this your first time at boarding school?” Max asked as they walked towards the theatre. Kim, Pearl and Fame had peeled off in a different direction towards the art studios. 

“Yeah. It’s kind of…”

“Overwhelming?” Max suggested kindly when Trixie trailed off. Trixie gave her a grateful smile, nodding. “Don’t worry, most of us felt like that when we got here. Some of the girls have been going away to school forever, but not many. You’ll settle in soon enough,” Max promised. She had a warm, soothing demeanor, and Trixie already felt a little more relaxed. 

That relaxation slipped away when they entered the theatre. There were a dozen other girls there, gathered in small groups and chatting animatedly. Trixie immediately felt intimidated; these girls all seemed so confident. Trixie loved performing, and she’d always been the most talented in her drama classes back at home. Now she was surrounded by girls who were all, presumably, as passionate about performing as she was, and potentially more talented. 

Max led her over to a group of three girls. “Girls, this is Trixie,” she said, while Trixie adopted a bright smile. “Trixie, this is Jinkx, Ginger and Alaska.”

“You’re Kim’s friend, right?” the girl with bright red hair said. She had a friendly face, and a slightly crooked smile.

“We went to high school together for a year back home,” Trixie replied. 

“She’s crazy talented,” the tall girl with piles of blonde hair said. Her voice was low and she dragged out each word to the point that Trixie wondered if she did it on purpose. “You guys kind of do your makeup the same. I like it,” she told Trixie. 

“Thanks,” Trixie said. She’d barely been at RuPaul’s for an hour and two people had already complimented her make up. Normally people didn’t know what to think of it, but it felt like a good omen that the other girls were nice about it. “Kim’s way better than I am, though. I mean, she looks like an actual person.” That drew a laugh out of all four girls, and Trixie laughed along a little giddily. She was doing okay so far, she thought. The girls seemed nice and she didn’t think she’d made a terrible first impression. 

“Oh, I see why she likes you!” the third girl said, her laugh a little wheezing. She was much shorter than the rest of them, with neatly styled ginger hair. 

“Girls, simmer down,” a voice announced from behind them. The drama teacher swept into the room, and Trixie immediately recognized her from her audition. She was a striking woman with dark, almost black hair, dressed in a form fitting dress and stiletto heels. She glanced around the room, a smile crossing her face when she spotted Trixie. “Miss Mattel! I hope the girls are helping you settle in,” Ms Visage said, giving Max an approving nod as she took in the small group of girls surrounding Trixie.

“They are,” Trixie assured her.

“Good! Then let’s get to business,” she said, clapping her hands.

Trixie had been worried that her first drama class would be terrible, that everyone else would be so talented and polished. Everyone was talented, and a lot of them seemed a lot more polished than she was, but she loved every second of it. She’d never experienced a chance to perform with people who loved it as much as she did, and she already felt like it was pushing her to be better. It was exhilarating, and even though she felt exhausted by the end of the class she was beaming from ear to ear. 

“Trixie,” Ms Visage said, calling her over. “You kept up really well today! I’m so glad you’ve joined us,” she told her warmly. “I see Max is looking after you. Did you get your schedule?”

“No,” Trixie said, quickly thinking back over her afternoon. “I don’t think anyone told me where to get it.”

“I imagine one of the girls has it. Perhaps one of your roommates?” Miss Visage suggested.

“Maybe,” Trixie said, nodding. “I’ll ask Kim when I get back up to my room.”

“Oh, I know who has it. Mr Kressley gave it to Katya, you guys have a bunch of classes together,” Alaska chimed in from where some of the girls were waiting for Trixie by the door. 

“He gave it to Katya?” Ms Visage said, looking surprised and slightly horrified. “Well, you can get someone to print out a new version if you need to, don’t worry.”

“It’s fine, I’m sure Katya hasn’t eaten it,” Ginger said, before letting out a huff of laughter. Yet! Trixie, come on. Katya’s my roommate, we can go get it from her now.”

“See you tomorrow, girls,” Ms Visage said, gathering her things as Ginger led them out of the theatre. 

“What did you think of your first class?” Jinkx asked. She’d surprised Trixie, coming across so quiet at first before proving herself to be an absolutely hysterical actress. There hadn’t been a single girl who was bad, which she supposed made sense. It was intimidating, but Trixie had always been driven. Now, with the thought in the back of her mind that she had nothing to go home to, she was even more determined to make something of herself.

“It was great! I can’t believe we get that much practice every day,” Trixie said. 

“Just wait until we start getting ready for a show. Then we’re rehearsing all evening, and the weekend, it never ends,” Ginger pointed out. It sounded like heaven to Trixie. She couldn’t wait until they could start rehearsing something properly and she could sink her teeth into a part – she wanted to prove to herself, and to everyone else, that she deserved to be there.

They reached their corridor of the dorms, and Ginger led them right down to the end of the hallway. “I hope you’re not naked!” she called out as she grabbed the door handle.

“As if you’d be that lucky!” a low, warm voice replied. The door swung open, revealing a girl in the middle of a cluttered room. She was bent over backwards, hands on the floor. She grinned at Ginger, and even upside down Trixie could tell she had the most stunning smile of gleaming white teeth. Her tangled blonde hair formed a messy halo around her head, and Trixie could see firm, shapely thighs where her skirt had ridden up. 

“Trixie, this is Katya. You’re unfortunate enough to be sharing most of your classes with her,” Ginger said. The girl pushed herself up, effortlessly flipping her legs over her head and landing lightly on her feet before turning to look at them.

“Hello!” she said, that same big grin on her face as she looked Trixie up and down. Trixie could feel her whole face flush. She was easily the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen in her life, and Trixie was totally, utterly fucked.


	3. chapter two

It took Trixie a few seconds to realize she was staring at Katya like an idiot. The other girls were looking at her, and she quickly did her best to snap herself out of it.

“Hi! Apparently you have my schedule?” she said, grateful that she managed not to totally trip over her own words as she pulled herself together.

Katya cocked her head, her forehead scrunching up. She went from gorgeous to adorable in no time at all. “Schedule? I do not even know that word! I have no idea what you are talking about,” she said, throwing her hands up. Her accent was thick, and Trixie immediately felt embarrassed. If her English wasn’t good, Trixie didn’t want to confuse her.

“Oh, um…they said they gave it to you?” she said lamely, grasping for the right words.

Ginger let out a huffing noise, moving past Trixie to sit on one of the beds. The two sides of the room were decorated in totally different styles. Ginger’s bed was surrounded by posters for musicals and stage shows, and she had neatly arranged floral bedsheets with a few cushions scattered over the top. The other side, which had to be Katya’s, sported an abstract composition of random magazine cuttings and pictures stuck up on the walls, and her unmade bed had a bright clash of red and purple sheets.

“Bitch, stop confusing this poor girl,” Ginger said. Katya laughed, a huge, wheezing laugh that made it seem like Ginger had said the funniest thing in the world. Trixie felt a sudden, desperate urge to make her laugh like that.

“Okay, okay. You never let me have any fun,” Katya said, no trace of an accent left in her words. She turned to her desk, which was covered by a mountain of books and other random items, and looked around for a moment before producing a crumpled sheet of paper. “Da! Here it is,” she said, unfolding it. “Tracy Martell, drama program.”

“What? Did they get my name wrong?” Trixie said in alarm, reaching for the schedule. Katya let her take it, a bright smile on her face. “Oh. Trixie Mattel. Why did you call me that?” she said, surprised.

“Sorry, Tamara,” Katya said carelessly, waving a hand at her. Trixie blushed. Having someone insist on calling her by the wrong name felt like it should be an insult, but it didn’t come across that way. The other girls certainly didn’t seem to think anything of it, so she decided that Katya couldn’t have been being mean.

“What have you been doing with yourself this afternoon?” Ginger asked Katya, who’d flopped down onto her bed and stretched her legs wide. Her skirt slid up her pale thighs, and Trixie felt her cheeks heat up. She looked away quickly.

“I went down to the art studio for a while, but it was so quiet. Maybe I’ll tag along to drama tomorrow,” Katya said, shrugging.

“What program are you in?” Trixie asked curiously.

“Oh, I’m not,” Katya said nonchalantly. Trixie blinked. As far as she knew, everyone at RuPaul’s had to be part of one of the specialist programs they offered. There were enough to choose from, that she knew well from how many times she’d read the academy’s brochures: you could focus on drama or art or design or dance or sport, and get some of the best training in the whole country. She opened her mouth to ask Katya what on earth she was doing at RuPaul’s if she wasn’t studying any of those things, but Ginger cut in before she could speak.

“I’m starving! Trixie, let’s go and see if the girls are back from art. I’m sure Kim won’t appreciate us stealing you away for your first dinner her,” she said, standing up. “Miss Katya, are you coming with us today?”

“Da! I heard whispers about pizza,” Katya said, eyes bright as she leapt to her feet.

“Girl, you say that every day. There’s never pizza,” Jinkx pointed out from the doorway. Katya waved a hand.

“We live in hope, darling,” she drawled in an eerily uncanny approximation of Jinkx's distinctive voice. Trixie laughed, and Katya turned that stunning smile towards her.

That smile…it gave her butterflies. Katya was gorgeous, and in the few minutes Trixie had spent around her she’d already proven herself to be hilarious and a little mysterious. Trixie was utterly captivated by her already. Katya pranced ahead of them down the hallway, and Trixie watched her messy blonde hair bounce around her shoulders.

She had a girl crush, that was what it was. She’d felt like this before, with the gorgeous girl in the grade above whose boyfriend had the locker next to Trixie the year before, and the girl who lived two doors down from their old house. She was fascinated by how beautiful they were, how cool and funny they were – she wanted to _be_ them. That was all it was, no matter what anyone said about her. She wasn’t like that. She wasn’t.

Thankfully, Kim emerged from her room in time to rescue her from her own thoughts. “Trixie! How was drama?” she asked. Despite her afternoon spent in the art studio, she looked pristine; Pearl, stood behind her, had hands covered in paint and a streak of blue up the sleeve of her sweater.

“It was amazing,” Trixie said honestly. Kim beamed back at her.

“Was she amazing? She was always the best back in Milwaukee,” Kim said to the others. Trixie flushed, embarrassed but pleased by Kim’s words.

“She’s marvelous,” Max said, giving Trixie a kind smile. The other girls were nodding along, and Katya raised an eyebrow at her.

“Marvelous? Maybe I really will drop by the theatre and see this for myself,” she suggested, a bright smile on her face.

“Can we go?” Pearl said, saving Trixie from having to respond. Katya didn’t shift her focus from her, though, a surprising amount of intensity in her gaze. Trixie had to look away, her stomach full of butterflies.

“So impatient! Someone wants to see a certain other someone whose name begins with V,” Jinkx teased in a singsong voice.

“Shut up! It’s not that, I’m just hungry,” Pearl insisted, rolling her eyes and trying to look irritated but looking more embarrassed than anything. “There’s nothing going on with me and Violet.” 

“Oh, so I suppose you two were just having an innocent slumber party last week?” Kim cut in. Katya squawked loudly, dissolving into wheezing laughter. The others laughed too, though Trixie thought that may have been as much to do with Katya’s reaction than anything. Pearl had turned bright red.

“You were asleep!” she spluttered.

“I wish I was,” Kim told her with a straight face. “I can never unhear those noises. They fill my nightmares.”

Trixie looked between them, trying to hide her surprise. Was Pearl a lesbian? It certainly sounded like it. Kim didn’t sound bothered by the fact that Pearl had apparently had sex with another girl in their room. 

“I think you scared the new girl,” Ginger said, a smirk on her face.

“Don’t tell me you have a problem with girls who love girls, Trixie,” Pearl said, apparently having shaken off enough of her embarrassment to give Trixie a questioning look.

“Of course Tracy doesn’t! Do you?” It was Katya who spoke, cocking her head as she waited for Trixie’s response.

“No! I don’t care what you do,” Trixie said quickly. She didn’t care who any of the girls were attracted to. _She_ wasn’t gay, that she knew, but it didn’t matter if any of the others were. Katya nodded in approval, a proud expression on her face.

“She’s a good one,” she announced, linking her arm through Trixie’s. Trixie let her, too surprised to question how quickly Katya was willing to decide they were friends. Katya kept their arms looped together as they walked down to the dining hall a few steps ahead of the others.

“Are you really Russian?” Trixie asked, unable to help her curiosity about Katya’s disappearing accent. She laughed, waggling her eyebrows at Trixie.

“Why would I give away all my secrets, Tallulah?” she said playfully.

“I suppose I should take that as a yes,” Trixie said dryly. Katya laughed again, loudly and freely.

“Da. I’ve been going to school over here for years, though. I sound like you American girls now,” she said, adopting an exaggerated Southern accent.

“Don’t you miss your family?” Trixie asked.

Katya shrugged. “It’s alright. I can still talk to them and see them in the holidays. How about you? It must be weird for you, your first time away.”

“Oh, um. No, it’s okay. I hadn’t really thought about it too much, to be honest,” Trixie replied. It wasn’t even a lie; she’d been so caught up in the excitement of how good things had been so far at RuPaul’s that she’d barely thought about her family back at home. She didn’t even know if her mom knew where she was.

“At least you know Kimberly! I would say she can look after you, but we all know she can’t even look after herself,” Katya said solemnly.

“That’s rich, coming from you!” Kim said from behind them. Trixie looked around at her, and Kim looked pointedly between Trixie and Katya, raising an eyebrow questioningly. Trixie just shrugged, giving her a bemused look in return. She was just as surprised that Katya had taken such a shine to her, but she wasn’t going to fight it. Katya was possibly the most enigmatic person she’d ever come across, beautiful and hilarious and full of energy. No wonder Trixie had such a girl crush on her.

When they reached the dining hall, half of the tables were already filled and there was a short queue for food. Katya sniffed the air, then gasped dramatically. “You all doubted me!” she said, turning and pointing accusingly at the other girls.

“Pizza,” Ginger said, looking shocked. “Katya…was right? Girls, the impossible has happened. The end of the world is here!” she said, drawing a cross over her chest and pretending to bow her head in prayer.

“You fucking bitch,” Katya replied, but she was laughing as she dragged Trixie over to line up for pizza. Trixie was starting to get the impression that she might be spending a fair amount of time in the near future being dragged around by Katya. She didn’t mind that idea at all.

 

***

 

By the time Trixie got back to her new bedroom, she was exhausted but buzzing after what she decided had been a successful first afternoon. The pizza for dinner hadn’t been the best, but she’d hardly cared given the company. She’d met Violet, Pearl’s not-girlfriend, though she wasn’t sure she’d made the best first impression with her. Not that it had been her fault – Katya, sat opposite her, had accompanied Kim’s introduction of Violet with crude hand gestures and silent orgasm impressions, and Trixie had struggled to keep a straight face. She’d decided that the reason Katya seemed so cool was that she genuinely didn’t seem to care about anything. Everything she said seemed to be an attempt to make people laugh, and most of the time her humour came from a sentence of randomly strung together words that somehow became hilarious when it was coming out of Katya’s mouth.

If Katya had been a guy, Trixie thought she definitely would have had a crush. But she was a girl, and Trixie wasn’t gay. It was a girl crush. That was a totally different thing – she wanted to be friends with Katya, and be more like her. She didn’t seem to have a care in the world.

Pearl had disappeared off with Violet on the way back to their room, so it was just Trixie and Kim. Trixie opened up her suitcase to unpack properly, since she hadn’t had time to do more than change when she’d first arrived.

“I’m so happy that you’re finally here,” Kim said, crossing the room to help her. “I felt like I hadn’t heard from you in ages! Were you trying to keep it a surprise?”

“No. I just…didn’t know how to tell you everything,” Trixie admitted. Kim frowned, pausing in her task of stacking Trixie’s clothes on her bed.

“What happened?” she asked. Trixie sighed, perching on the edge of her bed.

She told Kim everything. What her stepfather had done, how she hadn’t known that she was going to get taken away until the moment she got home and saw the social worker. How she’d gone from group home to group home until she’d managed to get the audition for RuPaul’s. How she still hadn’t spoken to her mom and didn’t know if she would anytime soon.

As awful as it all was, it felt therapeutic to get the story off her chest. Kim had her arms wrapped around her by the end, holding her in a protective hug.

“But what made him do it? Did he just snap?” she asked, her voice soft 

“Oh…yeah. He’d just had enough of me, I guess,” Trixie said evasively. What was she supposed to say? _My sister told him that people at school say I’m a lesbian because I look at other girls_? She wasn’t. She wasn’t! What was the point in going into it with Kim when it wasn’t even true 

“I’m so sorry, Trixie. At least you’re here now. You never have to see that asshole again,” Kim said. Her lisp made her angry words sound comical, and Trixie managed a laugh.

“I’m so glad I’m here. Everyone seems so nice,” she said.

“They are! And you always wanted to be able to take acting more seriously. This place is perfect for you,” Kim agreed. “Katya seems to really like you.”

Trixie couldn’t help but blush. “She’s cool. Absolutely crazy, but really cool,” she said.

“Oh, she’s a total weirdo. But everyone loves her,” Kim said. She stood up, going back to piling Trixie’s clothes for her neatly. Trixie put everything away, only keeping out pyjamas.

“What are the classes like?” she asked.

“Fine. Pretty normal, except there’s barely anyone in each class. You can’t sleep through them like you can in Milwaukee,” Kim said. Trixie groaned. “Hey, it won’t be so bad. You have most of your classes with Katya, right? She’ll keep you entertained,” Kim pointed out.

Trixie smiled at the thought. “Yeah, I guess I got lucky,” she agreed. She changed into her pyjamas and climbed into her new bed. It felt a little strange to settle into a new room, but it was a familiar feeling to her now after her weeks shuffled between group homes. She grabbed her phone from the beside table, plugging it in to charge overnight. The screen lit up, and she swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. Still nothing from her mom. Did she even care that Trixie was gone?

She pushed the thought aside, tapping on the facebook icon instead.

 **Max Malanaphy added you as a friend**

**Miss Fame added you as a friend**

**Jinkx Monsoon added you as a friend**

**Katya Zamolodchikova added you as a friend**

**Ginger Minj added you as a friend**

**Alaska Thunderfuck added you as a friend**

**Pearl Liaison added you as a friend**

**Kim Chi mentioned you in a status update**

A smile spread across her face. She accepted all of the friend requests, and went straight to Katya’s page. Her cover picture was a shot of Katya and some of the other girls in dorky poses, and her profile picture captured her stunning smile. Trixie couldn’t find much else on her page, but she couldn’t resist scrolling through her pictures for a minute before going to see what Kim had said about her. 

**Kim Chi is feeling happy! So excited to have my sister Trixie Mattel at school with me at last!**

**Katya Zamolodchikova, Jinkx Monsoon and 5 other people liked this**

**Katya Zamolodchikova: welcome to the madhouse, Tracy**

Trixie smiled at Katya’s comment, tapping the like button on the status and the comment. “You’re such a fucking loser,” she said fondly to Kim.

“You love me anyway,” Kim said, grinning over at her from her bed.

“Yeah, I kinda do,” Trixie agreed. She put her phone down, snuggling under her covers. Who cared if she hadn’t heard from her mom? She was reunited with her best friend, and she’d already made friends with so many new girls. RuPaul’s was living up to everything she’d imagined it could be so far, and she’d only been there a few hours.

“I really am glad you’re here, Trixie,” Kim said in a softer voice.

“Me too,” Trixie said back, smiling into the darkness.


	4. chapter three

Trixie slept remarkably well on her first night at RuPaul’s. She woke earlier than her alarm, but when she checked her phone and saw that it would be going off in fifteen minutes she decided there was no point going back to sleep. She sat up, running her hands through her hair as she blinked sleepily. Pearl had apparently rejoined them after Trixie had fallen asleep, and was sprawled across her bed in a starfish position. Kim was curled in a tight ball, just as she always had done whenever they’d had a sleepover back in Milwaukee.

Trixie climbed out of bed, tiptoeing to her wardrobe to grab her shower things. It was still fairly early – she always had to leave herself plenty of time to make her mug perfect – so she was hopeful that the showers would be fairly empty. She had her first full of day of classes, and she wanted to look her best. She’d feel better about getting all dressed up in her new uniform if she had time to shower properly, shave her legs and wash her hair. She was going to do her makeup flawlessly, put her favourite pink bow in her hair and feel sickening for her first real day. 

Thankfully there were individual shower cubicles in the bathroom at the end of the corridor, and only a couple of them were being used. Trixie locked herself into a cubicle and stripped off before stepping under the blissfully warm water. She was doing well so far, she thought. She’d reconnected with Kim, and she definitely felt lighter for having shared everything that had happened with her. She still didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, but it felt good to have told _someone_. And she thought she’d made a decent first impression with Pearl, who seemed sweet if a little reserved.

Then there was Katya. Trixie liked the rest of the girls she’d met the day before, but it felt like she’d made an instant connection with Katya. They’d spent most of dinner the night before laughing together, and it already felt like they’d been friends for longer than one evening. They shared most of their classes, so at least Trixie knew she’d have at least one friendly face around throughout the day. 

When she was finished, Trixie padded back down the still deserted corridor in her towel, relieved not to have run into anyone between the bathrooms and her room. Kim let out a snore as she stepped back inside, and she managed to get changed into her uniform by the time Kim’s alarm went off. She groaned sleepily, fumbling to grab her phone and sitting up.

“Why are you awake already?” she asked Trixie, blinking at her blearily while Pearl grumbled and rolled over to face away from them.

“New place, I couldn’t sleep any longer,” Trixie explained, rubbing a towel over her hair and sitting in front of her desk. She’d laid out her makeup meticulously, and as Kim got dressed behind her she started on her first layer of makeup. 

“Breakfast’s in fifteen. Classes don’t start until 8:30,” Kim told her. Trixie had already memorized her schedule, but she just nodded. Pearl rolled out of bed, keeping her blankets wrapped around her as she moved to the window seat.

“How can you smoke this early?” Trixie asked, unable to stop the way her nose wrinkled in distaste as the smoke from Pearl’s cigarette wafted her way.

“Helps me wake up,” Pearl replied, inhaling deeply and blowing smoke out of the window. Trixie waved a hand in front of her face, blinking rapidly to stop the smoke from making her eyes water. She wanted her makeup to be perfect for her first day, and Pearl’s cigarette wasn’t going to ruin it.

Trixie expertly blow-dried her hair into bouncy curls while Kim did her make up, Pearl still cocooned in her blankets. “Don’t worry about her, she’s a sloth in the mornings,” Kim said when she saw Trixie sneaking a look at the time. “We can go get breakfast now.” 

They left Pearl to get herself ready, coming out of their room at the same time as Max and Fame.

“Trixie! How was your first night?” Max asked with a bright smile. She looked the perfect part in her impeccable uniform, her makeup demure. Fame had her skirt a good inch or two shorter, hair pulled back in a low bun and a perfect shade of red lipstick on. 

“Good, thank you. I just hope normal classes are as good as drama was!” Trixie said. Kim laughed.

“Don’t get too excited, Trix. They’re fine, but they’re nothing special. The teachers all know that pretty much none of the girls here are interested in their classes,” she said. When they reached the dining hall Trixie made a beeline for the coffee, pouring herself a mug. She grabbed some toast and found a seat with the other girls, who’d gone to the same table as Ginger and Violet, along with a couple of girls Trixie hadn’t met yet.

“Where’s Katya?” she asked Ginger, looking around for her distinct head of messy blonde hair. 

“Good morning to you, too!” Ginger drawled, raising her eyebrows at Trixie, who immediately flushed.

“I just figured I could tag along with her to class, since we’re on pretty much the same schedule,” she explained.

“Sure, sure. She was still asleep when I left her, she never gets out of bed before she has to,” Ginger replied.

“I don’t think Katya has ever not been late to any class for first period,” the girl beside Ginger said. She was a gorgeous black girl with perfectly done makeup; her friend, taller with a straight bob haircut and bangs, burst out laughing.

“Like you’re any better, Kennedy! I see you sneak past the door fifteen minutes into class,” she said.

“Shut up, bitch,” Kennedy replied, but there wasn’t any venom in her voice.

“Oh…do you think she’ll be late today?” Trixie asked, doing her best not to sound too anxious about it. She wanted to get off to a good start at RuPaul’s, and that definitely did not involve being late on her first day.

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch,” Ginger said, waving a hand. “Go up to our room, take her a coffee. That’ll kick her ass into gear in time to take you to your first class.” 

Trixie flashed her a grateful smile, polishing off her toast before going to fetch a fresh cup of coffee. She left the other girls to talk, managing to navigate her way back to their corridor without more than a few wrong turns. She knocked on Katya and Ginger’s door, peeking around it.

“Katya?” she said, her voice quiet. There was no movement in the room for a moment, and then the mess of covers on Katya’s bed shifted.

“What the fuck?” she mumbled, half of her face emerging. Trixie pushed down a laugh, stepping closer to her.

“Ginger sent me with coffee,” she said, holding out the cup to demonstrate.

“Oh, gimme!” Katya said, perking up immediately and making grabby hands at her. Trixie obliged, crossing the room and perching on the edge of Katya’s bed. She took the coffee, eyes closed and a blissed out expression on her face as she drank. “Tracy, you’re trying to make yourself my new favourite person, aren’t you?” she said, draining most of the coffee and putting the mug on the floor by her bed. She gave Trixie a blinding grin, and it was all Trixie could do to smile back.

“Ginger told me the only way to get your lazy ass out of bed was to bribe you with coffee,” she replied, earning herself one of Katya’s wheezing laughs.

“I’m an addict!” she agreed cheerfully, flinging her covers off. She jumped out of bed, going to her dresser. She had on a t-shirt with some slogan in Russian across the front that Trixie couldn’t understand, and tiny shorts. That only lasted a moment and then she’d stripped off her shirt, rumming in her drawers before producing a bra. Trixie could feel heat rush to her face, and she immediately looked at her lap. Katya was gorgeous, petite but still a little curvy, and she was apparently unfazed about stripping off in front of someone she’d only met the night before.

“I forgot that not everyone’s spent the last five years at boarding school,” Katya said, sounding amused by Trixie's bashfulness. Trixie looked up to see that she was dressed in her blouse and skirt now, though her blouse had several buttons undone and it was still hanging out of her skirt.

“Yeah, I’m still getting used to…everything,” Trixie admitted.

“Have you ever even had to share a room before?” Katya asked. She was sat in front of her mirror now, rummaging through a mess of make-up products.

“I had to share with my sister at our old house, but not since we moved,” Trixie replied. She didn’t mention the rooms she’d had to share with total strangers in the group homes; she was doing her best to block those memories out of her brain. 

“How old’s your sister?” Katya asked, deftly penciling in an eyebrow.

“Eight.”

 “Oh, a baby! Mine’s thirteen, she’s a total monster,” Katya replied.

“Does she go here?” Trixie asked curiously.

“No, no. Maybe when she starts high school, I guess, but she might go somewhere else,” Katya told her. 

“Have you got a lot of other siblings?”

“Older brother, younger sister.”

“Oh my god, you’re _such_ a middle child,” Trixie said, grinning.

“Ha! I’m _desperate_ for attention,” Katya said, dramatically throwing her arms up and managing to drag her mascara through her hair as she went. “Oh, fuck!” she cursed, trying to pull it out with her nails. “Oh well. Manila manages to rock a stripe in her hair, I can pull it off,” she decided with a shrug. She’d somehow managed to produce a flawless face of makeup – apart from the mascara streak – in the few minutes they’d spent chatting. She tossed down her mascara, wiping away a few marks from her eyelid and standing up. “Okay. Right, class,” she said to herself, grabbing her coffee and drinking the last mouthful before gathered a messy pile of papers and books and dropping them into a backpack. “Let’s go get your things, Tracy,” she said to Trixie, grabbing her hand and marching her back to her bedroom.

Pearl had managed to drag herself out of bed, and Violet was sat on Kim’s bed while Pearl finished her makeup. Violet looked over at Trixie and Katya, a smirk on her face. 

“You’ve latched on quick,” she said, running her fingers through her long, dark hair. It was pulled back in a severe ponytail, highlighting her flawless bone structure. Trixie blushed, ducking down to retrieve her backpack from under the bed, but Katya just laughed.

“Are you jealous Tracy likes me more, Vi?” she replied, a cheshire cat grin on her face. Violet laughed too, sticking her tongue out at Katya. 

“No one likes me, didn’t you know?” she said. Katya squawked at that, and when Trixie straightened up she saw that all three girls were smiling. Their words sounded biting, but there was no venom behind them. She liked that; she was known for being sarcastic and shady at every opportunity, but she’d been a little hesitant about making the wrong impression with the girls at RuPaul’s. Now she was getting the measure of them, and she had a good feeling that they’d embrace her sense of humour.

Trixie glanced at her watch, trying to stay subtle, but Katya caught her looking. “Oh, right. Gotta get to class on time,” she said, nodding. “God, what even happens in the first five minutes of class?” she mused, linking her arm through Trixie’s. “Okay, Tallulah, let’s go. Now, you have to promise not to distract me, okay? I take my education _very_ seriously,” Katya warned, though her eyes were twinkling and there was a half smile tugging at her lips.

“Oh yeah, I can totally tell,” Trixie said dryly. Katya laughed, clutching at Trixie’s arm.

“You’re such a bitch! I love it,” she decided. “This is gonna be fun!”

 

***

  

Trixie’s first day of classes was something a whirlwind, only exaggerated by Katy’s presence by her side. It wasn’t all that different from school back home, except without any guys and a lot fewer people in the room. No one seemed to expect too much from her, despite the smaller class sizes, which she liked. She didn’t mind school – it had always been better than home, anyway – but she’d never been geeky about it. Drama was the only class she was really passionate about, and this was the best place to be to pursue that. Everything else was just filler that she only paid attention to because she had go.

Today, though, drama had been the worst part of the day. Trixie had been giddy in the lead up to it, dashing into her room to change as soon as her last class was over before showing up at the theatre early for their afternoon session. She’d been so excited to throw herself into whatever the session entailed, determined to prove to everyone that she was good enough to be there.

The problem came when Ms Visage explained what they would be doing. She handed out short monologues for the girls to read over and practice before performing them to the rest of the group – they were all dramatic pieces, an exercise in learning to effectively show emotion during a performance. The idea had been fine – Trixie could do dramatic as much as she could do something musical or something funny – but when she looked at the piece she’d been handed she felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. 

Ms Visage had said that the pieces were random, and as Trixie stared down at a monologue about a mother-daughter relationship she could only hope that that was true. She had no idea how much Ms Visage knew about her background, but if she didn’t know about any of it Trixie didn’t want that to change. She’d stared down at her monologue, barely able to read through the whole thing without feeling like she was going to throw up. She knew, logically, that the best thing to do would have been to ask one of the other girls to swap, or to go to Ms Visage and ask for a different piece, but by the time she was thinking coherently enough to consider either idea too much time had passed and she knew she wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone about it without drawing attention.

So, instead, Trixie did something that she’d never imagined she would do in a drama class – she walked out. She waited until Ms Visage was distracted, talking to Jinkx in the other corner of the theatre, and then she walked straight to the door. She managed to keep herself together until she was outside; hopefully if any of the girls had taken in that she’d left they’d just assume she’d gone to the bathroom. She walked calmly up to her room, waiting until the door had shut to let the tears start falling.

She hadn’t really cried since that first night after everything happened. She’d been numb for a while, and then she’d made a conscious effort to not think about it, not let herself feel the pain of being separated from her family by something so awful. Now she’d been confronted with the thought of her mother – not only that, but it had made her walk out of her drama class, her favourite thing in the world. She’d been so sure that she’d be able to get past everything that had happened by coming to RuPaul’s, but it seemed like it was going to come back and bite her in the ass at every possible moment.

Trixie buried her face in her hands, leaning back against the door to her bedroom. Her whole body was shaking as sobs racked through her, and she was infinitely glad that Kim and Pearl wouldn’t be back from the art studio for at least another hour.

“Okay, so. I’m assuming you didn’t see I was in here, but I figured I should say something.”

Trixie all but leapt out of her skin, her head snapping up. Katya was sat on the window seat at the far side of the room, one hand dangling a cigarette out of the window. She was right: Trixie hadn’t taken her in at all when she’d entered the room, too preoccupied with hiding herself away before she broke down.

“What – what are you doing here?” she asked, mortified to find that she was still sobbing. She tried to move away from the door, but it felt like her knees were going to give way.

“Kim and Pearl don’t mind if I come in here to smoke – the windows in our room are so high, you have to lean up all the time to use them. I’m sorry – I should have checked with you earlier before I just came in. I didn’t even think,” Katya said. It was amazing, really, how serious she suddenly was. They’d been together just a few hours before and she’d been all smiles and stupid jokes.

“It’s fine, I don’t care. Uh, I just – sorry, I’m being a total idiot,” Trixie said, still trying to even her breathing out. She felt a little faint, and the more she focused on trying to breathe the harder she realized it was.

“Doesn’t seem like it. Seems like you’re having a panic attack,” Katya said gently. She crossed the room, gently taking Trixie’s hands in her own. She led her over to Trixie’s bed, guiding her to sit down and sitting in front of her, cross-legged.

“Jesus, I can’t breathe,” Trixie said, the words choked out as she tried to gasp. She’d never felt like this before, so overcome with absolute anxiety that she couldn’t even manage to think properly.

“Breathe with me, okay?” Katya said, still holding Trixie’s hands. She breathed in and out, and it was all Trixie could do to try to copy her. “There you go, in and out,” Katya said soothingly, giving her hands a light squeeze. Gradually, the tightness in Trixie’s chest eased, her breaths deepening. Once she could manage it she let out a long, shaky breath, and managed a tiny, tentative smile.

“Thanks,” she said, getting another squeeze to her hand from Katya. “I just – I—” To her absolute embarrassment, she dissolved into sobs again. Now that the floodgates had been opened, it seemed like she couldn’t manage to shut them again. This was her worst nightmare, having a breakdown in front of a girl she’d only just met when she’d been trying so hard to keep what had happened to her from everyone. She didn’t want to tell them, any of them, didn’t want it to define her.

“Oh, mama, okay. C’mere,” Katya said, wrapping her arms around Trixie. Trixie leaned into her, and Katya set her chin on the top of her head. She held her close, letting Trixie cry pathetically into her shoulder. She didn’t ask her any questions or try to find out what was wrong, which Trixie was desperately grateful for. She grasped at the back of Katya’s blouse, crying until she didn’t feel like she had anything left. All the emotion she’d been holding back so carefully came flooding out – being separated from her family, her mom not even acknowledging what had happened to her, coming to a brand new place and faltering on just her second day in the thing she loved most in the world. Katya stayed quiet, rubbing her back lightly and keeping Trixie tucked against her. She was a fair bit smaller than Trixie, but her arms around her felt strong and comforting.

Finally, when she pulled back from Katya’s shoulder, Trixie was mortified to see huge black smudges on the soaked fabric of her blouse. “Shit! I’m so sorry,” she said, looking up at Katya with wide eyes. Her whole face felt sore, her eyes barely opening properly, but it had been cathartic to let herself cry like that – even if she had ended up looking like an idiot in front of her new friend.

Katya looked down at the black mascara smudges, then threw her head back and laughed. “I’ve practically got the imprint of your whole face there, huh?” she said, pulling her blouse away from her skin to inspect it.

“I can get some makeup remover, that might help,” Trixie offered, but Katya shook her head, waving a hand at her.

“Don’t stress about it. Are you feeling better now?” she asked, looking back at Trixie with a softer expression on her face. Trixie nodded, sniffling.

“Yeah. Sorry for crying all over you, I didn’t mean to trap you here.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Katya said. “Anytime. Okay? I mean it. It’s tough, coming to a new place. But I’ve got you.”

Trixie smiled at her, a little overwhelmed by the kindness this girl who she’d only just met was showing her. 

“Thanks,” she said. Katya smiled again, leaning in and kissing Trixie’s forehead. Trixie had to laugh, imagining the bright red mark she must have left there.

“Come to my room if you need me,” Katya said, standing up and crossing the room to the door.

“Katya?” Trixie said, unable to help herself. 

“Yeah?" 

“How come you don’t have to go to any of the programs? Don’t you get bored, hanging around here every afternoon?”

Katya hovered by the door, her hand on the door handle. “I don’t – none of them really fit me. I do go to some of them sometimes, but sometimes I Just stay here,” she said. 

“I thought everyone had to be part of one of the programs?” Trixie said curiously. Katya flashed her a grin.

“Maybe I’m special,” she said, before opening the door and leaving Trixie alone in the room.


	5. chapter four

The morning after her meltdown, Trixie woke early. She’d crashed out not long after Katya had disappeared back to her own bedroom, totally exhausted from crying herself silly. She’d stayed awake just long enough to see Kim when she got back to their room and presented her with a selection of vending machine snacks and a long hug.

“Thanks. I didn’t mean to miss dinner,” Trixie said, tearing open a bag of chips.

“I know. You should eat,” Kim said, curling up beside Trixie in her bed. “Katya texted me to tell me you needed feeding.” Trixie paused, then put the chips down in her lap and curled up against Kim’s side. Kim wrapped an arm around her, squishy cheek pressed against Trixie’s temple. “Did you tell her about the stuff with your family?” Kim asked.

“No! I don’t want anyone to know,” Trixie said quickly 

“You could tell Katya, she wouldn’t tell anyone. She’s a good person.”

“I know she is!” Trixie said, immediately defensive of Katya. Why would Kim even need to tell Trixie that? She knew that Katya was a good person, she was a great person! “I just don’t want anyone looking at me and only being able to think about that stuff.”

“She won’t do that,” Kim promised, but Trixie shook her head. She didn’t want Katya to know about all of that. Besides anything else, it was embarrassing. Even if Katya didn’t tell anyone, she didn’t want to think of her looking at her with any kind of pity.

Kim, because she was the greatest friend in the universe, didn’t push Trixie any further. She stayed snuggled up with her, occasionally stealing her chips, and found some cute cartoon on her phone for them to watch. She didn’t move to her own bed until Trixie was already beginning to fall asleep, and Trixie didn’t remember much past that. 

It was still dark outside when she woke up, the room quiet and peaceful as Kim and Pearl slept on. Trixie rubbed sleep out of her eyes and picked up her phone, squinting at the too bright screen. It wasn’t quite six; there was no need for her to get up just yet. Still, she knew she wouldn’t fall asleep again, so she curled up in her warm blankets and unlocked her phone.

She had a new text from an unknown number, sent to her phone in the middle of the night. 

_Unknown number: I hope you’re feeling better now, Tracy! I told Ginger the marks on my shirt were from my latest art project. Come get me if you need me. If I’m not in my room, you know where to find me! (the dumpster out back) xxx_

Trixie smiled, clutching her phone in both hands and bringing it to her chest. Katya came across so carefree and silly, and Trixie didn’t doubt that she was, but that part of her masked someone truly, unbelievably kind. Trixie felt so drawn to her; she wanted to be around her all the time, to curl up in Katya’s arms again and have her pet her hair and promise that everything would be alright. Kim had been her friend longer, but there was something about Katya that pulled Trixie in. She’d never met anyone like Katya, and in that moment, even as the thought of having to face Ms Visage later on about her sudden exit from her drama class, Trixie felt glad that she’d come to RuPaul’s even if the only thing she got out of it was meeting Katya.

 

***

 

The rest of Trixie’s first week at RuPaul’s went by in a blur, every day a rush of wake up, breakfast, wake up Katya, classes, drama, dinner, Kim, sleep. She’d spent the whole day after her meltdown scared to face Ms Visage, but to her surprise nothing had ever been said about it. Ms Visage had greeted her with a nod and a smile that next afternoon, and when the entire session went by without any mention of what had happened Trixie started to breathe normally again. She was grateful for Ms Visage’s non-reaction, and she doubled down on her determination to prove herself in their training.

Trixie and Katya got closer every day, falling into a neat routine. Trixie would wake up early, get breakfast with Kim and the other girls, and then take coffee up to Katya’s room. Katya always greeted her with a sleepy little smile, taking a minute to drink her coffee before scrambling out of bed. Most mornings they’d stop for long enough for Katya to have a cigarette, reaching up on her tiptoes to blow the smoke out of the tiny windows in her room.

“Miss Charles never gives the smokers the rooms with nice windows, and they clocked me and Ginger back in Freshman year. Good old Ru, trying to save us from ourselves,” Katya had told her the first morning Trixie had watched her try to smoke out of those windows, cracking up the whole time. Katya was pretty small and Ginger was tiny; it was no wonder Katya liked to take herself off to Trixie’s room whenever she could to make use of their cozy window seat.

Classes at RuPaul’s were fine, and Trixie enjoyed them a lot more than she had at school back home thanks to the company. Katya was whip smart even though she rarely paid attention, constantly doodling crazy drawings in her notes or whispering nonsense to Trixie to try and make her laugh. Her quiet words in Trixie’s ear would make her neck tingle and her cheeks flush, and Katya always laughed at her reaction. Trixie did her best to concentrate and keep up in class, but it was hard when she found herself constantly glancing over at Katya, unable to resist trying to make her smile with a stupid comment.

Trixie felt herself relaxing more and more every day, settling in and feeling less like the new girl who didn’t know what was going on. She knew her way around without Kim or Katya to guide her now, and she felt more in step with the other girls in drama classes. Today had been a good day; they’d been assigned a project in English and as soon as partners had been mentioned Katya had grasped her arm with her bony hand and given her the creepiest grin she’d been able to muster. Trixie had laughed, and they’d spent most of their lunch break bickering about which Shakespeare (or Shakesqueer, as Katya insisted on saying) play they were going to write about. Trixie had spent the rest of the afternoon in a great mood, and when they finished drama a little earlier than usual she took out her phone to send Katya a text. 

_Trixie: drama’s finished we’re gonna go straight to dinner wanna come?_

_Trixie: did you lose your phone again_

_Trixie: did you fall asleep?_

_Trixie: maybe you went to art_

_Trixie: maybe you went to art AND lost your phone_

_Trixie: if you don’t reply i’m taking it as agreement that we’re gonna do macbitch for our project_

_Trixie: okay im gonna give up see you laterrrr_

She’d only known her a week, but Trixie knew Katya enough to know that if she didn’t get an immediate response to a text then she probably wouldn’t hear from her for hours. Katya had a curious ability to lose her phone in the obscure places, managing to bury it in Ginger’s laundry or somehow toss it into Detox’s backpack. Trixie tucked her phone into her pocket, then stopped by the bathrooms in the theatre building before she went to join the girls from drama for dinner.

When she emerged from the bathroom, she realized she could hear faint music. She lifted her phone to her ear in case her Spotify had opened itself, but it definitely wasn’t coming from her phone. Curious, she turned right instead of left out of the bathroom and followed the sound.

Sometimes she heard music coming from the big dance studios on the other side of the theatre, where all of the dance girls like Laganja and Kennedy trained every day. This music wasn’t coming from the right direction to be the dancers, though, and Trixie found herself walking past a row of smaller practice rooms she’d never taken in before. Most of them were empty, but she stopped outside the last room when she realized that it was where the music was coming from.

Inside, there was a girl in a leotard, blonde hair pulled back with a white scrunchie. She was moving fluidly to the music, an upbeat melody that sounded like something Eastern European. Trixie watched as she tumbled and flipped across the room, making each movement look effortless even as she contorted her body backwards or slid painfully slowly into a split.

Katya was barely recognizable. It took Trixie a moment to realize that it was her friend in front of her, performing insane feats of gymnastics as easily as breathing. Trixie was absolutely mesmerized, stood frozen in front of the door as she watched her. She’d noticed that Katya was flexible before, sure, and Katya had mentioned her 4am yoga habit when she couldn’t sleep, but she hadn’t realized how talented she was. How could she have? Katya had never even mentioned gymnastics to her.

Katya was clearly wrapped up in her own little world, totally focused on her routine. She didn’t seem to notice Trixie at all, even when Trixie let out a loud gasp as Katya launched herself into a truly impressive series of flips and tumbles across the length of the room. She looked beautiful and strong and it took Trixie’s breath away. She stayed glued to the spot until the song ended and Katya crossed the room to fiddle with her iPod. Trixie’s phone started to buzz insistently in her hand, and she looked down to see that Max was calling her. Reluctantly, Trixie walked away from the practice room to go and meet the other girls for dinner.

She couldn’t wait to tell Katya that she’d seen her! She grinned to herself, wondering if she could get Katya to show her some more of her moves. The way her body had looked in that leotard – long, toned legs extended in the most impressive split Trixie had ever seen…she felt envious of her, that was what it was. It was how she always felt when she saw girls she liked a lot, who she admired and wanted to be more like. She wanted to be _like_ Katya, to be as talented and funny and kind as she was. Her phone buzzed in her hand, and she glanced down. 

_Katya: sorryyyy i fell asleep and lost my phone in my bed_

Trixie frowned at the screen. Why would Katya lie about what she’d been doing? Katya came across as a totally open and free person; Trixie was surprised that she wouldn’t tell Trixie about something like this.

Of course, they’d only known each other a week. It was easy to forget that, given how quickly Katya had become someone so important to her life. There was no reason why Katya would want to share every single part of her life with Trixie. Trixie kept enough secrets herself that she couldn’t begrudge Katya this one thing, even if it made her sad to think of Katya wanting to keep anything from her – especially something so amazing. She wouldn’t push it. Maybe, as they got to know each other better, Katya would tell her everything about her life. Maybe Trixie would reciprocate, one day.

 

***

 

Trixie fully intended to keep quiet about seeing Katya doing her gymnastics. She didn’t mention it at all at dinner, even when Kaya turned up late and freshly showered. Her hair was damp and face pink and Trixie couldn’t take her eyes off of her – she looked so _happy_. Katya always seemed pretty cheerful and full of life, but Trixie had never seen her looking this obviously content. She wanted to know why Katya would keep something that made her so happy a secret from her friends. 

“You know how Katya isn’t part of any of the specialist programs?” Trixie said to Kim when they were back in their bedroom. Pearl was cocooned in her blankets, headphones in and the sound of some mellow song seeping into the room as she sketched.

“Yeah? She was in art the other day,” Kim said, sitting down on her bed.

“I saw her in one of the practice rooms in the theatre today. She was doing the most insane gymnastics, it was crazy,” Trixie told her.

“Huh. I didn’t know she was still doing it,” Kim said. Trixie blinked at her. 

“You knew she could do all of that? It’s so good! Why doesn’t she do it more? She wouldn’t even tell me she was doing it, she told me she was taking a nap this afternoon,” she said. 

“She used to practice it every day, instead of going to anything else like the rest of us. She had coached in and everything, she was really good – everyone figured she might end up in the Olympics. But she’s not doing it this year.”

“Why?” Trixie asked, aghast. Katya was clearly so talented; why would she give up something like that? 

Kim shrugged. “She went back to Russia for a while at the end of last semester. Then when we came back this year, she’d stopped. I don’t know what happened,” she said.

“That makes no sense,” Trixie said, still baffled.

Pearl rolled over in her bed, putting aside her sketchbook and pulling out her headphones.

“Apparently she had a trial with the Russian Olympics team and bombed it,” she said, rummaging in her bag for her cigarettes before relocating to the window seat.

“No way,” Trixie said, while Kim shifted uncomfortably.

“We don’t know that,” she said, “it’s just a rumour.”

Pearl shrugged. “She disappeared for months and when she came back she wasn’t doing gymnastics anymore. It makes sense,” she reasoned, lighting up her cigarette. “I heard that Ru wasn’t even sure if they were going to let her back in. That’s why she didn’t come back here at the end of last year.”

“They weren’t going to let her come back?” Trixie said. “Just because of one bad audition? That’s awful!”

“Yeah, kinda. But Katya’s family has a lot of money, right? Russian family, sending three kids to boarding school in America…one donation probably made all of that go away,” Pearl said.

“Katya never talks about it. Don’t mention it to anyone, okay? Especially Katya. Ginger will rip your head off, for one thing,” Kim said. “We don’t know what happened. I don’t want to spread rumours about Katya.”

“I won’t say anything,” Trixie promised. She couldn’t imagine poor Katya working so hard for years at something just to have it crumble around her. It mad sense now why she wouldn’t want to tell Trixie about what she’d been doing. Katya was always so funny and energetic, Trixie had struggled to imagine her ever even having a bad day; now that she knew what she’d gone through the year before, it made it even more impressive that Katya managed to stay as positive as she did.

Trixie’s phone lit up on the side and she picked it up as Pearl plugged her headphones back in and returned to her sketchpad.

_Katya: i just read your messages properly and BITCH we are not doing macbitch_

_Trixie:_ (ง'̀-'́)ง

_Katya: dork!!!_

_Katya: come snuggle?_

Trixie smiled to herself, standing up and smoothing down her clothes. Katya was her friend, her best friend, really; it didn’t matter what had happened to either of them before they met. She wasn’t going to say anything to her about what she’d seen or what she’d heard if Katya didn’t want her to know about it. She decided that she was going to push it to the back of her mind – even if she couldn’t quite get the memory of Katya sliding into the splits in that leotard out of her head.


	6. chapter five

“So everyone’s just wearing their pyjamas?”

“Yes!”

“But, like…their actual pyjamas? Or nice pyjamas?”

Kim let out an exasperated huff, turning to face Trixie and putting her hands on her hips. “Trixie! Why are you making a big deal out of this? We’re literally going across the hall to hang out with girls you spend every day with,” she said, while Trixie flung herself backwards on her bed dramatically. 

“I don’t want to look like a weirdo,” she whined, flinging her pillow over her head.

“It’s not like what you wear can change that,” Kim shot back, and Trixie threw her pillow at her. 

“You’re not helping,” she said, folding her arms across her chest. 

“You’re being pathetic!” Kim said, throwing her pillow back at her and smacking her in the face with it. Trixie let out an overdramatic howl, covering her face with her hands and pouting as Kim snickered at her. “Just put on your pyjamas and let’s go, please? We’ll be late otherwise.”

That was enough to get Trixie moving. She considered her collection of pyjamas for a minute longer, sighing before deciding on an oversized t-shirt and some cute pink shorts. It was Max’s birthday and she’d decided she wanted to host a marathon of old movies in hers and Fame’s room. That had turned into a slumber party with half of the girls in their grade, pyjamas and blankets mandatory. Trixie was looking forward to it, despite her dithering over her outfit choices. Sure, she’d had friends back in Milwaukee, but never ones close enough to invite her to things like this since Kim had left. She hadn’t been at RuPaul’s for long but she already felt liked and accepted by the girls, Max and Fame and Pearl and Katya. 

Once she was changed she checked her makeup in the mirror, stopping to give her signature pink lips a touch up, then gathered up her blankets and headed across the hall with Kim. Pearl and Violet were already there, Violet leaned back against Fame’s bed as Fame did her makeup. 

“Yay! You’re here. I don’t know when the other girls are getting here, I really want to start the first movie,” Max said, giving them both a huge, earnest smile. She was sat in front of an alarmingly large stack of DVDs, and Trixie and Kim shared a look as Trixie settled down by the side of Max’s bed, throwing her blankets over her knees. The door opened again and four more girls walked in, giggling together. 

“Alaska, you can’t spend the whole night on the phone,” Detox said, poking Alaska in the arm. Alaska pulled a face, her iphone still pressed to her ear.

“Noodles says hi, everyone,” she said, waggling her long fingernails at everyone as she curled up beside Roxxxy. She paused, then laughed. “She says she says hi to everyone except Willam,” she added.

“Fuck you, bitch!” Willam replied, flipping her off and throwing herself onto Max’s bed. “Oh god, do you really want us to watch all of these?” Max looked stricken, and Fame leaned over to pat her hand comfortingly. 

“It’s Max’s birthday! I’m dying to see what movies she’s picked out for us,” she said, shooting Willam a look. Willam rolled her eyes, flopping back against Max’s bed. Trixie glanced over at Kim, who just shrugged. Willam was something of an enigma, and Trixie felt like she could never figure her out. She came across as a total bitch, but still found herself included by everyone. Trixie was wary of her, but she knew Katya liked her a lot, which made her think that there had to be a more endearing side to Willam that she hadn’t seen yet. She’d been amazed so far that there weren’t really any mean girls at RuPaul’s. It had seemed like Alaska and Detox and Roxxxy should be the stereotypical mean girl clique, with their inside jokes and constant cackling laughter and the way they called themselves ‘Rolaskatox’ at every opportunity. But Alaska was surprisingly quiet most of the time and had a never-ending supply of kindness. She hadn’t spent as much time with Detox or Roxxxy, but it was like Willam – if Alaska was good friends with them, they couldn’t be that bad. 

The door swung open and Ginger and Katya appeared, looking pleased with themselves. “We’ve got popcorn!” Ginger announced, depositing a huge bowl of popcorn in front of Max. Katya stopped in front of her, a huge plaid shirt on that she was holding gathered up in front of her. As Trixie was trying to figure out what she was doing, Katya let go of her shirt and a cascade of snacks fell onto the floor. “Treats!” she chirped, looking around the room and grinning when she spotted Trixie. She stepped across Kim and Naomi and wriggled herself in between Trixie and the wall, pulling Trixie’s blankets across her lap and leaning against her side. 

“Kat! You can’t just steal all my blankets,” Trixie huffed, but her tone was fond. Katya wiggled around next to her, bony arm snaking around her back and her chin coming to rest on Trixie’s shoulder. 

“I kept us the best snacks,” she whispered, dropping skittles and oreos into Trixie’s lap and giving her a huge, proud smile. Trixie couldn’t help but return it, utterly charmed by Katya’s goofy thoughtfulness. She leaned against her side, opening up the oreos as Max lined up the first movie. Casablanca started to play as Katya picked at her skittles, nestled against Trixie. Trixie smiled to herself, leaning her cheek against Katya’s soft hair and relaxing. 

Max was clearly enraptured from the first second the movie started, and Fame looked involved, too. Alaska was still glued to her phone while Detox and Roxxxy whispered to each other, giggling away. With Katya by her side, it didn’t really feel all that different to sitting beside her every day in school, whispering to each other while Katya struggled to stay still. She kept trying to feed Trixie skittles, and it was only towards the end of the movie that Trixie realized that the tiny pulls on her hair she’d been feeling were the result of Katya pulling locks of her hair into tiny, intricate braids. She rolled her eyes, but didn’t stop her. Usually she didn’t like anyone trying to play with her hair, but it felt kind of nice. She liked the way Katya’s fingers brushed against her shoulder and neck as she toyed with her hair. 

“Oh my fucking god, Detox, what the fuck is this?” Willam said suddenly, leaning over the side of the bed to grab at Detox’s lap. She lifted a magazine high in the air while Detox squawked in surprise, with Roxxxy already doubled over in hysterical laughter beside her. “Did you bring a fucking dirty magazine with you?” 

Trixie could tell her eyes were wide in surprise, but they couldn’t have been wider than Max’s. She looked completely taken aback, bringing a hand up to shield her eyes from the magazine as Willam waved it around. She was cackling with laughter, flipping through it to find a full page picture of a naked guy. Katya let out a loud, screeching laugh next to Trixie’s ear, and the other girls were all laughing. 

“You’re such a whore, Detox,” Willam said, leafing through the magazine as the other girls snickered. 

“She’s struggling with being shut away here again after her… free summer,” Roxxxy said, laughing harder when Detox shoved her in the side. 

“She’s a straight up motherfucking dickpig!” Alaska crowed, holding her phone out to snap a picture of the magazine, probably to send to Sharon. 

“Can’t we just finish the movie?” Max said, nose wrinkling up in disgust as Willam brandished the magazine in her face. 

“Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t look at a hot dude,” Willam said, trying to push the magazine in front of Max so she’d have to look at it. 

“It doesn’t mean that I want to, either,” Max said primly. 

“Leave her be,” Fame said, wrapping an arm around Max. 

“You’re so boring! Katya, we all know you’re a fucking whore. What do you think?” Willam said, tossing the magazine over towards Trixie and Katya. Trixie felt her cheeks flush hot as Katya flipped open the magazine. There was a full page picture of a muscular guy, all oiled up and posed sexily. Trixie stared at it. He was hot. Sure, yeah, he was hot. This was what hot guys looked like, right? He was clearly supposed to be sexy. 

“Oh my god, this is adorable. Look at little miss Milwaukee, I don’t think she’s ever seen herself a grown man before,” Willam said, a glint in her eye as the other all turned to look at Trixie. She blushed even more, pushing the magazine away from her into Katya’s lap. Katya glanced over at her, eyes scanning her face, and then she scooped up the magazine and let out a long whistle. 

“Oooh,” she hummed, wiggling around beside Trixie as the other girls laughed. She fanned herself with the magazine, then pulled it under the covers and pretend to rub it against herself. Detox shrieked with laughter, and Willam reached over to snatch the magazine back from Katya. 

“You’re such a whore! Jesus, Alaska, I don’t think Detox is the only dickpig in the room,” she said, smirking. “He is a good looking man, though. Don’t you think, Trixie?” 

Trixie blinked up at her, and Willam watched her, twirling a long curl around her finger as she waited for a response. Trixie’s mouth opened and closed as she tried to form a response, and she swallowed hard. 

“I think,” she said, aware of all of the girls watching her, “that it’s Max’s birthday. Can we finish her movie?”

Max gave Trixie the biggest, brightest smile as Willam let out a huff and tossed the magazine back into Detox’s lap. 

“Whatever. I suppose I should have expected that little miss Milwaukee would be a virgin,” she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Trixie’s cheeks burned with embarrassment. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Pearl piped up from the corner, where she’d been lying with her head in Violet’s lap. Trixie blinked in surprise at Pearl jumping to her defense. “It’s not Trixie’s fault if you’ve already slept with every guy in the fucking world, jesus.” Everyone laughed, even Willam, and Trixie shrunk down under the blankets against Katya’s side. Katya’s arm wound itself around her back under the blankets and squeezed her side.

It wasn’t like she cared that she was a virgin. She didn’t! What did it matter if she hadn’t found the right guy yet? She just didn’t like the way Willam had singled her out like that. 

“The movie is starting again!” Fame said loudly, nudging Max to restart it and glaring daggers at the other girls. Max let the movie start again, and then glanced over at Trixie. She mouthed ‘thank you’ across the room, and Trixie gave her a small smile and a nod. 

Katya’s head turned towards her ear, and Trixie could feel her breath on her neck. It sent tingles down her spine. 

“She doesn’t mean anything by it,” Katya said quietly to her. “It’s just Willam. Don’t take it seriously, okay?”

Trixie turned her head to smile at her. “It’s fine, I don’t care,” she said. Really, she was more distracted by what Willam had been saying about Katya. She knew Willam had a reputation; she’d heard stories about her sneaking out of her room at night to meet guys, and even sneaking them in in the most scandalous stories. But the way she’d talked about Katya made it sound like she wasn’t all that different. Was that true? Did Katya date a lot of guys? Did she sleep with them? Trixie wanted to ask but found she didn’t want to know the answers. There was an unpleasant jealously bubbling up in her chest that she didn’t quite understand. Why didn’t she like the thought of Katya sleeping around? She was her friend, and it wasn’t like she cared what anybody did with their sex lives. But the thought of Katya with a guy? It made her stomach churn. 

Maybe she was jealous of her. That had to be it. She glanced over at Katya; she was so pretty, and smart and kind and all of the other good things Trixie could possibly think about another person. Of course she’d have plenty of guys who wanted her. 

Max put on another movie after Casablanca, but Trixie struggled to focus. By the time it finished, she pushed herself up to standing. “I think I’m gonna go to bed,” she said, giving Max an apologetic smile. “Kat, can you drop my blankets by later, or in the morning?”

Katya shook her head, stretching her arms up over her head. Her shirt rode up and exposed a sliver of her taut stomach, and Trixie looked away as her face flushed. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed, too,” she decided, standing up and gathering Trixie’s blankets into her arms. Trixie carefully navigated her way across the room without stepping on any of the other girls and gave Max a hug. 

“Happy birthday,” she murmured, smiling as Max squeezed her back in a tight hug. 

“Thanks. You’re a good friend,” she replied, voice too quiet for anyone but Fame beside her to hear. 

Kim and Pearl stayed in Max and Fame’s room, and when Trixie opened the door to their room Katya followed her. She dropped her bundle of blankets onto Trixie’s bed, then lay down across it, and Trixie’s lips pulled into an amused smile. 

“I thought you were going to bed,” she said, trying to straighten the blankets out. 

“Can I stay in here with you tonight?” Katya asked, giving Trixie such a sweet smile that she knew there was no way she could say no. 

“Sure,” she agreed, sitting down on the edge of her bed and reaching across to her desk to grab a makeup wipe so she could rub away the day’s makeup. “Do you want one?” she asked, waving the packet of wipes in front of Katya’s face. Katya cracked one eye open and sighed. 

“Will you do it for me?”

“What?” Trixie said, letting out a surprised laugh. 

“Please? I’m tired,” Katya whined, pulling the blankets up to her chin and pouting at Trixie. 

“I’m not surprised. You sent me a text at three this morning,” Trixie said. “Why are you always awake so late?”

Katya shrugged. “Sometimes I can’t sleep,” she said. She didn’t explain any more, so Trixie didn’t push it. She took out another makeup wipe and carefully set about wiping off Katya’s makeup. Her mascara had already formed dark rings around her eyes, and Trixie delicately wiped them away. Katya let out a little snuffling noise and wrinkled her nose, wiggling under the blankets. She was adorable. Trixie wondered what it would be like to lean down and kiss her. 

She froze. Where had that come from? She didn’t want to kiss Katya. She was her friend. And she was a girl! Trixie shook her head, heart thudding in her chest as she tossed the makeup wipe into the trash. It was stupid. She was stupid. She didn’t know what would make her think something like that, but it was just a silly thought. 

“You okay there, mama?” She hadn’t realized she’d squeezed her eyes shut until she opened them and found Katya looking at her in concern. 

“I’m fine!” she said, forcing cheeriness and sounding a little manic. Katya didn’t comment on it, though, just watched her as she lay down beside her. Trixie lay on her back, blinking up at the ceiling. 

“You’re not worried about what Willam said, are you? You know she just likes to be a bitch. She’s not that bad, not really,” Katya said. She wriggled closer to Trixie, wrapping her arms around her and setting her bony chin on Trixie’s shoulder. 

“I’m fine, really,” Trixie insisted. It was just one silly thought, there was no need to fret about it. She was tired, and Willam had gotten into her head – that had to be what it was. She closed her eyes, trying to forget about it. 

“Night, Tracy,” Katya whispered. Her hand squeezed Trixie’s hip lightly and for a moment she forgot how to breathe.

“Night,” she whispered. She blinked up into the darkness, well aware as Katya’s breathing evened out against her neck that she would be awake for a long time to come.


	7. chapter six

Trixie did her best to push down the thoughts she found herself having for her best friend. She’d tried to convince herself on the night of Max’s birthday that it had just been a crazy moment, that she’d be able to wake up the next morning and forget all about it. But she’d woken up the next morning with a faceful of messy blonde hair and Katya’s body tucked against hers and her heart soared – and then plummeted.

Where had these thoughts come from? She tried her hardest to explain them away – she was shut away in a new place, surrounded only by girls and not very many of them at that. Was that why she was feeling like this? Was she just projecting some weird pent up emotion onto Katya? She’d certainly never felt like this with Kim, and they’d been friends for years. She glanced over at Kim, cocooned in her blankets, and thought hard about it. Kim snored, and Trixie’s face wrinkled. Nope, definitely no Weird Feelings for Kim. No strange urge to kiss her or swooping sensation in her stomach when she looked at her. Tentatively, Trixie looked back down at Katya beside her, panic rising in her throat at the way her heart sped up. She pushed back her covers, all but jumping out of bed in her need to get away. Katya didn’t move except to press her face into Trixie’s pillow, nose wrinkling as her hair fell across her face. Trixie stared at her for a second before opening the door and escaping into the hallway.

She leaned against the wall, putting her head in her hands. It was still early and there was no one around, so she sank down to the floor and drew her knees to her chest.

Trixie wasn’t stupid, she knew what everyone back home said about her. That she was strange, that she looked at other girls, that she wasn’t interested in boys, that she must be a lesbian. She’d never understood where it had all come from, always chalking it up to the way she’d never quite fit in with everyone and the fact that she’d never had a boyfriend. Now she was starting to doubt that, and it terrified her. Had what they’d all said about her been true? How could she not have known if everyone else apparently did?

Trixie shook her head, dragging her fingers through her hair. Her teeth dug into her lip until she tasted blood. No, she was being ridiculous. Maybe it was being in a new place, surrounded by new people, but it was messing with her head. Even when Kim had been around back in Milwaukee she’d never been able to spend this much time with her; spending almost 24/7 with Katya had sent her a little crazy. Maybe if she could spend some time away from her, those stupid thoughts would stop.

Above her, someone cleared their throat. Trixie’s head whipped up and she found Ginger standing in front of her, one eyebrow raised.

“Am I interrupting something?” she asked.

“I just…uh…” Trixie trailed off, not sure what to say. How did explain away why she was sitting in the hallway on a Saturday morning, freaking out about wanting to kiss her friend? 

Thankfully Ginger didn’t push her. “Did Katya stay in your room last night?”

“Yeah. She’s still asleep,” Trixie said, gesturing to the door. She wiped at her lip, wincing at the red stain left on her fingertip.

“She’s still asleep? Really?” Ginger looked surprised.

“It’s not that late, is it?” Trixie asked. Had she lost track of time in the midst of her meltdown?

“It is for her,” Ginger said. Trixie couldn’t place the expression on Ginger’s face, but it looked kind of like approval. “You okay down there?” she asked. Trixie forced a smile.

“Oh, yeah. I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake anyone -- Kim gets super bitchy if she doesn’t get to sleep in,” Trixie said. Ginger looked skeptical, but offered her a hand to help her up. Trixie took it gratefully, pulling herself up to standing. She went to go back into her room, but Ginger touched her arm.

“Katya really likes you. I know sometimes people think she’s a bit…much. Be kind,” she said.

“I don’t think she’s too much,” Trixie said, surprised. She liked Katya’s exuberance, the way her brain hopped around from subject to subject and the eagerness she threw into everything. Her energy always ended up being infectious.

“Good. Now, remind that bitch that she promised to help me with my French project later,” Ginger said, nodding before she padded back down the hallway to her room.

Trixie tried to stay quiet as she walked back into her bedroom, but as the door shut behind her with a quiet snick Katya opened one eye, giving her a sleepy, warm smile. 

“Sorry,” Trixie whispered, but Katya just opened her other eye as her smile widened. She wriggled over in Trixie’s bed to get closer to the wall, pulling the covers back and reaching for Trixie. Trixie didn’t even think before laying down beside her.

“I think your bed is comfier than mine,” Katya whispered, pulling the covers up to her nose. Trixie giggled, feeling the ridiculous urge to snuggle as close as she could to Katya and tuck her face in against her neck. She forced the feeling down, keeping herself as close to the edge of the bed as she possibly could.

“Ginger wanted me to remind you that you promised to help with her project later,” she told Katya, who huffed and rolled onto her stomach, face pressed into Trixie’s pillow.

“Stupid project. French is easy, you just do the accent and roll all of your ‘r’s,” she said, her demonstration of an impressive French accent muffled by the pillow.

“Maybe it’s easy for you! Not for the rest of us,” Trixie said, rolling her eyes fondly.

“I’ll go help her later. It’s too depressing to spend Saturday morning doing homework,” Katya decided, rolling over again and giving Trixie a grin. Her hair flopped over her face and she blew upwards to move it, eyes crossing.

“You’re like something out of a cartoon sometimes,” Trixie said, drawing a cackle from Katya. Katya kicked her feet happily under the blankets, one of her legs coming to rest across Trixie’s ankle. Trixie pulled back quickly, desperate to avoid any contact. Katya looked surprised for a moment, and Trixie thought she saw a flash of hurt cross her face but it was gone before she could be sure.

Trixie felt bad, but she couldn’t keep letting herself get close to Katya. Surely if she could keep her distance, these stupid thoughts would go away. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? She looked back over at Katya, who’d managed to wiggle closer to her without Trixie noticing. She gave her an angelic smile, and then Trixie let out a shrieking laugh when her fingers dug into the spot under her ribs, catching her by surprise.

“Oh my god, you guys are so annoying,” Pearl groaned from across the room as Trixie tried to calm herself down. Her hair was tangled around her head as she got up, shuffling across the room in her blankets to the window seat. She picked up one of the handful of cigarette packets she kept stashed there and put one to her lips, lighting it easily. She looked at Trixie’s bed and laughed; Trixie looked over her shoulder and saw Katya looking at the cigarette with her eyes wide and head cocked. Pearl rolled her eyes but extended her cigarettes out towards them and Katya hopped nimbly over Trixie and crossed the room, taking one and curling up beside her. She tucked herself in against Pearl’s side and Trixie pushed down an irrational flare of jealousy. She didn’t want to see Katya happy to snuggle up with someone else – what was wrong with her brain? Why did she care what Katya was doing – she didn’t! She was being stupid. 

Trixie rolled onto her side, facing away from Katya and Pearl and trying to focus on her phone instead as she checked instagram and twitter and facebook. She could hear them giggling together and pulled her covers up over her ears, trying to block it out. Was this what Ginger had meant earlier about Katya being full on sometimes? It wasn’t hard to see that everyone loved Katya, that she somehow managed to make all of the girls feel like she was their best friend when she was with them. Trixie wondered if she’d been stupid to think that the way she felt about Katya was any different to the way the other girls felt. Katya and Trixie were friends, but Trixie wasn’t anyone special to Katya. Who knew if Katya would even want to spend as much time with Trixie once she was no longer the new girl Katya had taken a shine to?

Trixie burrowed herself further down under her blankets, phone clutched to her chest. It should have made her feel better to think that maybe the stupid thoughts she’d been having would go away if Katya didn’t want to be around her as much. Really, she thought, things would be a lot simpler if she didn’t get to spend that much time with Katya. So why did that thought make her heart hurt so much?

Trixie’s blankets rustled and a breeze licked at her legs before a small, warm body slid in beside her again. “What are you doing this morning, mama?” Katya asked, curling herself in against Trixie’s back. She smelt of cigarettes and the hand she draped over Trixie’s side was cold, and it was all Trixie could do to resist the urge to roll over and press herself closer.

“Oh…I should probably look at my homework. I have to go over some stuff for drama, too,” Trixie said, toying with the edge of the baby pink cover on her phone. Katya sighed against the back of her shoulder and Trixie could imagine the ridiculous pout she must have on her face.

“You’re so boring,” she whined, and Trixie elbowed her lightly in the stomach. “And mean! Maybe I’ll have to go find someone else to keep me entertained.”

“No!” Trixie said before she could stop herself. She was so stupid. She should welcome the chance for Katya to leave her alone for a while, give herself a chance to regroup. But she couldn’t bring herself to let Katya get away. Katya leaned up and put her chin on Trixie’s shoulder, and Trixie could see that she was beaming. God, she was so helpless under the power of that smile.

“I told Kim I’d catch up on her show so that we can watch some new episodes later. It’s still early, I guess I could watch some now.”

“Much better than homework,” Katya said, giving her a nod of approval. Trixie could feel her warm, even breath against her neck as she fumbled to pull the show up on her phone. Katya wriggled closer to her, legs tucked in behind Trixie’s and soft breasts pressed against her back. Trixie’s heart felt like it was in her throat at how good it felt to have her so close. Her stomach felt tight and her mouth was dry, and she couldn’t help the way she squeezed her thighs together.

Trixie knew she should pull herself away from Katya, give herself a little space to breathe. But she couldn’t do it. Instead she hooked an ankle around Katya’s, tentatively laying her arm over Katya’s where she’d looped it around Trixie’s middle. She couldn’t help herself, and it terrified her.

 

***

 

Months passed, and every day Trixie promised herself that she’d try to pull herself away from Katya. And every day, without fail, she found herself following the same routine: she’d bring Katya coffee in the morning and watch her get ready, unable to take her eyes off of her as she watched her smoke her morning cigarette with the light of the rising sun behind her. They’d spend most of the day together, in class and at lunch and she could never resist the urge to seek Katya out in the evening when she got back from drama. On the days she tried, she’d either get a string of texts that didn’t stop until she went to find Katya in her room, or Katya would come and find her if she really tried to ignore her messages. Trixie couldn’t escape her, but it wasn’t like she really wanted to.

Every now and then, usually when she was just about to fall asleep, it would hit her all of a sudden, how in over her head she was, how totally fucked she was. She’d curl herself into a tight ball and force herself to take deep breaths, trying to convince herself that everything was okay. She’d never had a friendship this intense before, and it was making her blur the boundaries between friendship and something else. That was all it was. She’d convince herself that her stupid feelings would go away soon and manage to finally fall asleep – and then in the morning she’d wake Katya up with coffee and Katya would give her a sweet, sleepy smile and the whole vicious cycle would start over again.

She was totally, utterly fucked.

So far, that morning had been the same as always. Trixie was the first one awake in her bedroom, and when Kim and Pearl were finally ready they went down to breakfast. Trixie grabbed coffee for Katya when she was finished, black and strong to wake her up.

Her routine was completely thrown when she opened the door to Katya and Ginger’s room. Katya was normally fast asleep when Trixie found her, but today she was up and pacing the room, a cigarette in one hand and her phone held up to her ear. She was talking in fast Russian, her expression serious. Trixie paused in the doorway, unsure if she should intrude, but when Katya spotted her she waggled her fingers towards the coffee in Trixie’s hand. Trixie handed it to her and went to Katya’s bed, sitting on its edge as Katya crossed the room to stub her cigarette out and lean up on her tiptoes to toss the butt out of the window. She immediately pulled another one out of her pack and lit it, and Trixie’s eyebrows raised.

The corners of Katya’s mouth pulled down and she burst into a stream of rapid Russian, before she pulled her phone away from her ear and took a drag from her cigarette. Trixie gave her a questioning look but Katya waved a hand dismissively, splashing coffee over her bare feet. Trixie held up her phone, gesturing at the time, and Katya rolled her eyes.

“Мне нужно идти. Я в порядке, мама. Да! Да.” Katya tossed her phone towards Trixie and it bounced onto her pillow; Trixie could see that the screen read ‘Mom’ as the call ended.

“Is everything okay?” Trixie asked. Katya didn’t answer, tipping her head back to drink half of her coffee in one before padding over to the window to finish her cigarette. Trixie wasn’t sure, but it looked like her hands were shaking.

“I’m going to be late. Go without me if you want,” Katya said, finally taking out her clothes and starting to get changed.

“Katya-”

“I’m fine,” Katya said, cutting her off before she could finish. Trixie frowned, unused to this side of her. Katya seemed so shaken and it surprised her. Trixie watched as she pulled on her uniform, cursing under her breath when she stopped to do her makeup and smeared lipstick across the side of her mouth. Usually Katya found it hysterical when she fucked up her makeup, taking pictures and laughing at herself before she fixed it. Today she tossed her lipstick onto her desk and haphazardly wiped her lips, dragging her fingers through her hair. She snatched up her bag, going straight to the door and only looking back at Trixie when she was halfway out into the hallway. “Are you coming?”

“Oh, yeah,” Trixie said, getting to her feet to follow her. Katya seemed so tense, body stiff as they made their way downstairs; it was like she was a whole different person. When they got outside, she popped open her cigarettes and took one out. Three cigarettes in quick succession was a lot even for Katya. Trixie reached out to touch her hand. “Kat, if you want to talk,” she said, but Katya pushed her hand away.

“Trixie, I’m fine. Please stop asking,” she said, hands trembling as she tried to light her cigarette. Trixie swallowed down her hurt at Katya’s dismissiveness. Talking to her mom had rattled her for whatever reason, it didn’t have anything to do with Trixie. “Fuck!” Katya said, throwing both her lighter and her cigarette to the ground when she couldn’t get the lighter to work. She put her face in her hands for a moment, while Trixie crouched down to pick them both up for her. Katya took them both back from her without a word, exhaling long through her nose as she replaced the cigarette in her mouth and tried once more to light it.

“You should go to class, you’re going to be late,” she said, eyes fluttering closed once she was finally able to take a long drag of her cigarette.

“I’ll wait for you,” Trixie replied. She didn’t like being late, but she didn’t want to leave Katya when she was like this.

“Please, Trixie. I’m fine, I just want to finish this,” Katya insisted. Trixie looked at her for a long moment, then sighed. 

“Alright. I’ll see you in there?” she said. She didn’t want to go, wanted to stay and make sure Katya wasn’t alone, make sure that she was really okay and try to help if she wasn’t. But Trixie knew better than anyone not to push when someone didn’t want to talk.

“Sure,” Katya said. She was looking at the ground, free hand curled into a tight fist as she exhaled smoke. Trixie hesitated, then turned around and walked to class.

 

***

 

Katya didn’t show up to their first two classes. Trixie sent her a string of texts, hardly hearing a single word that was said as she constantly checked her phone for a reply. Katya never did send her a message, but Trixie sagged with relief when she finally appeared. She looked as stiff and uncomfortable as she had earlier that morning, and the smell stale cigarette smoke clung to her clothes as she sat down beside Trixie. Trixie could tell that Katya wasn’t taking in anything that was going on, and when she glanced down she could see that she was digging her nails into her thigh, leaving red marks against pale skin. Trixie instinctively put a hand on her wrist to try to stop her, but Katya shook her off without looking over at her.

Trixie was really starting to worry. Katya liked to joke about in class and it wasn’t like she was a model student, but she’d never actually skipped class in all the time Trixie had known her. Now she seemed completely zoned out and clearly didn’t want to talk to Trixie; if she had Ginger’s number she’d text her, see if she knew what was going on or what Trixie could do to help, but as it was she didn’t know what she should do. As much to keep herself occupied as to try to get Katya to pay attention to her, Trixie leaned over and started doodling in the corner of Katya’s page. She drew two cartoon girls with arms interlocked, one shorter with a mess of long blonde hair and a big, toothy smile, and one taller with carefully styled curls and exaggerated lips. She waited hopefully for Katya to take in the drawing and react, break into the smile Trixie liked so much or maybe even laugh.

Nothing. It was the same all morning even as they went from class to class – Katya was like a zombie. It was such a drastic change from her usual enthusiasm that bordered on being manic sometimes. She only spoke to tell Trixie that she was _fine_ , that there was _nothing wrong_ , to _leave me the fuck alone, Trixie_ when Trixie followed her outside during lunch when she went to have a cigarette.

Leaving Katya to her solitary cigarette, Trixie spotted Ginger heading outside with a pack of cigarettes clutched in her own hand. Trixie hovered by the doorway, watching as Ginger approached Katya. Katya still looked tense as she puffed on her cigarette, but she let Ginger put an arm around her as they talked.

Trixie tried not to take it personally that Katya had refused to talk to her all morning but was apparently opening up to Ginger now. She knew how close Katya and Ginger were, how long they’d known one another. It was good that Katya was talking to someone, even if it wasn’t Trixie. 

Trixie couldn’t do much more than toy with her food at lunch, her head jerking up every time someone walked through the door. Katya never appeared, even after Ginger returned and sat with the other girls.

Katya was no different for the rest of the afternoon. She disappeared halfway through their last class of the day, leaving Trixie to gather up her things and take them back to her room. Katya was nowhere to be seen, and Ginger wasn’t around. Trixie felt bad, leaving Katya’s bag on her bed without any clue where she was or what she was doing, but today was an important day for drama. Ms Visage was casting for their first full play, and they’d be auditioning all afternoon as well as after dinner. Trixie had been practicing her pieces religiously, and she knew she couldn’t afford to be late because she was looking for Katya. Besides, Katya had made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to talk to Trixie about what was wrong.

Trixie did her best to concentrate during their drama class, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being a bad friend. She remembered that night during her first week at RuPaul’s when Katya had sat with her through her meltdown, helping her calm down and just being there for her without asking any questions.

When they broke for dinner, Trixie diverted away from the rest of the girls as they went to eat. Maybe with the day over, Katya might be willing to actually talk to her now, or even just let Trixie try to offer her the smallest bit of comfort about whatever was stressing her out so badly.

Katya and Ginger’s room was empty. Katya’s bag clearly hadn’t been touched since Trixie had left it on her bed earlier in the afternoon. Trixie frowned, taking out her phone to try calling her. There was an insistent buzz from Katya’s bed; Trixie could see her phone lighting up inside her bag.

Where was she? Trixie felt worse than ever for not trying harder to find her earlier. Her stomach was in knots as she left Katya’s room, trying to think of where she might. She could try the spot outside she knew a lot of the smokers went to in the evenings, then maybe the room in the theater building she’d seen Katya in that one time. She had to find her – she couldn’t get the thought of Katya’s blank expression and worried eyes from earlier out of her head. 

“Trixie!” Trixie was about to go down the stairs when she heard Pearl calling out to her. She spun around to see Pearl was heading towards her, looking as disheveled and paint-covered as Trixie had come to expect from her after an afternoon in the art studio.

“Have you seen-” 

“She was in art with us. She’s still there,” Pearl said before Trixie could even finish her question, sounding serious. Trixie nodded, squeezing Pearl’s arm as she passed her in thanks. She could only guess that Katya was acting as weirdly as she had been earlier for Pearl to come looking for her.

By the time Trixie reached the art studio, there was no one else there except for Katya. She was stood in front of the painting Trixie remembered seeing on her first day at RuPaul’s, staring at it blankly. As Trixie went to walk towards her, Katya let out a frustrated noise and pushed the canvas off its easel, sending it crashing to the ground. Trixie stopped in her tracks, startled by the sudden change in Katya’s demeanor. She made a noise that sounded like a frustrated sob and toppled the easel as well, before sinking to her knees and putting her head in her hands.

“Katya,” Trixie said, voice quiet and tentative as she walked over to her. Katya froze, but Trixie could see the way her hands were trembling. She remembered how Katya had realised so quickly when Trixie was panicking and known exactly how to calm her down and wondered how she’d never connected the dots that maybe Katya knew how to deal with it from her own experience.

“I’m,” Katya started, but Trixie cut her off as she knelt down beside her, putting her hands lightly on Katya’s forearms.

“You’re not fine. It’s okay, I got you,” Trixie whispered. Katya was tense under her touch, but after a few seconds of silence she wilted. She leaned into Trixie and Trixie wrapped her arms around her, feeling Katya wind her arms around her middle and hold onto her tightly. “I got you,” Trixie repeated, pressing her nose into Katya’s hair. Katya didn’t say anything, just clung tightly to Trixie as Trixie held her. Trixie didn’t think she was crying, but her breathing was short and sharp against Trixie’s neck.

“Trix, I was such a dick to you. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have been like that,” she said eventually. “It’s just…everything’s just…it’s all too much.” Trixie hushed her gently.

“It’s been a bad day,” she summed up, already feeling some of the tension in her chest loosen. Katya was clearly still freaking out, but at least she was talking to Trixie now.

“I suppose that’s one way to describe it,” Katya said, already sounding a little calmer. She groaned against Trixie’s shoulder, and Trixie rubbed a hand lightly across Katya’s back in what she hoped was a soothing manner.

“Why don’t we go up to your room?” she suggested, glancing past Katya’s head to the painting on the floor. It seemed like a good idea to get away from it if she wanted to help Katya calm down. Katya nodded, pulling back from Trixie. Trixie was surprised to see mascara tracks under her eyes, and her chest ached at the sight of Katya so clearly unhappy. Katya stood up, letting out a long, heavy sigh. Trixie hesitated, then went over to the toppled painting. The corner of the canvas was dented but the painting didn’t seem damaged; she righted the easel Katya had tipped over and carefully replaced the painting. She turned to see Katya looking at the painting with an expression she couldn’t quite judge on her face, somewhere between sadness and disappointment and frustration.

“I remember seeing this the day I got here, you know. Mr Matthews gave me a tour and when we got here, yours stuck out to me,” Trixie said. Katya managed to give her a tiny smile, and it was one of the saddest sights Trixie had ever seen.

“Yeah, it’s not like the others girls’. It’s nowhere near as good. I know that. I thought about switching over to art for good, but…” Katya trailed off, shrugging.

“I love it. I said so that first day. It’s so striking, and it makes even more sense now that I know you,” Trixie said earnestly. Katya let out a humorless laugh. 

“Fuck, I need a cigarette,” she said, and Trixie knew better than to try to push the conversation. She stayed close to Katya as they walked back to the dorms, arms wrapped around her middle to brace herself against the cool evening air. Katya paused, cupping a trembling hand around her cigarette to protect it from the breeze as she tried to light it.

“Here,” Trixie said, putting one hand lightly on Katya’s wrist to steady it and using the other to help keep the wind away. Katya’s gaze lifted to meet hers, and she gave Trixie a shaky but grateful smile before taking a deep drag on her cigarette.

“Stupid habit. I blame Ginger for encouraging me all these years,” she said, slowly exhaling a lungful of smoke. She reached for Trixie’s hand with the one holding her lighter, tangling their fingers together. Trixie let her, giving her hand a light squeeze as they walked slowly across the campus. She managed to steal a discrete glance at her watch – she was due back in the theater in five minutes for the rest of the auditions. The two parts she most wanted were up first, and she knew if she didn’t get there promptly she had no chance of even being considered. She looked over at Katya; she looked a little calmer than she had earlier in the day, but she was still pale and Trixie could feel the slight tremble of her hand in Trixie’s. 

Katya stopped to stub her cigarette out and toss it in the trash, and Trixie took the opportunity to quickly take her phone out.

_Trixie: hey can you tell Ms Visage that i have cramps so i can’t come back to the auditions?_

_Max: Oh no! Are you okay? Should I ask Fame to check in on you?_

_Trixie: no, I’ll be okay. thanks!_

_Max: I’ll tell her for you. Feel better!_

Trixie tucked her phone back into her pocket and followed Katya to the door, pushing down the vague guilt building in her chest. Katya needed her; that was more important than some stupid part in a play.

When they reached Katya and Ginger’s room, Katya made a beeline straight for her bed. It was unmade, and she pulled the covers back just enough to crawl under them. Trixie hesitated before climbing onto the bed beside her, leaning against the wall. Most of Katya’s hair stuck out from under the blankets, draped across her pillow, and Trixie ran her fingers through it lightly, brushing over her scalp. Katya sighed under the blankets and her head emerged; she looked small and fragile and so utterly exhausted.

“Your bed is definitely comfier than mine,” she whispered, putting a hand on Trixie’s calf and tugging lightly until Trixie lay down beside her. Trixie laughed, keeping up gentle, soothing strokes through Katya’s hair. Katya made a small, happy noise and leaned into her touch, her face already more relaxed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Trixie asked, watching her expression carefully.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about, yours is definitely comfier,” Katya replied.

“I don’t mean the bed,” Trixie said.

“I know.” Trixie didn’t reply and Katya sighed, rubbing her face wearily. Trixie covered Katya’s hand with her free one and squeezed gently; Katya turned her hand over pressed their palms together, lacing her fingers through Trixie’s. “It’s stupid, really. I just don’t deal with stress well.”

“Is it your mom? Do you not get along with her?” Trixie asked. If there was anything she could understand, it was fucked up families.

“Oh, my mom’s great. It’s not her fault. Trust me, this is all on me,” Katya said, huffing out a laugh. “All she was trying to do was ask me if I’d figured out what I was going to do with myself here, and I go off the deep end. Fucked up, right?” she said, looking over at Trixie. Even though she sounded like she was trying to make light of they way she’d been acting all day, her expression was open and raw.

“It’s not fucked up,” she said, squeezing Katya’s hand. “You’re not fucked up. We all freak out. You saw me freak out when I first got here!”

“That was different,” Katya said, shaking her head.

“No it wasn’t! Why would it be different?"

“I don’t know, it just was,” Katya insisted. Trixie raised an eyebrow at her and grinned when it got a smile out of her. “Shut up,” she mumbled, pressing her face into her pillow. “I just can’t help it sometimes. I don’t mean to let it get to me but it just happens and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s so embarrassing.”

“I never would have guessed,” Trixie said honestly. “You’re always so…confident. Free, I guess? I don’t know if that’s the right word, but you never seem like you care about anything.” Katya snorted, shaking her head.

“I’m good at hiding it,” she said. “I have to be. It’s always there – it’s like it just under my skin, all these anxious feelings itching away at me. I have to hold it back all the time, and when I can’t it’s like the whole fucking world falls apart.” Katya sighed heavily, shaking her head. “I never want anyone to know that I feel like that, you know? Trixie, you won’t-" 

“I won’t tell anyone,” Trixie promised before Katya could even finish her sentence. “I promise I won’t, really. I just wish I could have helped more,” she said, carefully pushing Katya’s hair behind her ear. Katya lifted her head, giving her an incredulous look.

“Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, I wouldn’t even talk to you all day, so that’s hardly on you. And then you came to look for me even though-” Katya cut herself off, squeezing Trixie’s hand so hard her short nails dug into her skin and staring over at her wide-eyed.

“Ow! Even though what?” Trixie asked, trying to loosen Katya’s grip on her hand without letting go.

“Your auditions! Why aren’t you there?” Katya asked, looking stricken. Trixie held back a sigh; she’d been hoping Katya wouldn’t remember, but of course she had. She managed to be thoughtful even when she’d had the shittiest day. 

“It doesn’t matter. We did all the important ones before dinner,” she said, trying to sound breezy. Katya frowned. 

“You could still go, maybe you won’t have missed them all,” she suggested, but Trixie shook her head. 

“I promise, it’s not a big deal. I’d rather be here, anyway.” Katya gave her an incredulous look and Trixie’s face flushed warm at the intensity of her gaze. 

“Trixie…” 

“Please don’t beat yourself up,” Trixie said, all but pleading. Katya looked conflicted, so she went for distraction. “Hey. Did I ever tell you about the time Kim had to dance in gym class back home?” Katya laughed at that, letting her head fall back against the pillow. “Oh my god, it was the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. That girl takes having two left feet to a whole new level, I swear.” 

“I can imagine,” Katya agreed. “Has anyone told you about the time Ginger had to play a cow in a play? Back when we first started here?”

“No!” Trixie said, grinning. It seemed like more and more of Katya’s usual personality was seeping back in. 

“Oh my god, Trixie, you have no fucking idea. I’ve never seen anything as funny in my whole fucking life,” Katya said through her laughter. “And then there was the time they made her work with Sasha Belle. Jesus, I thought I was gonna witness Ginger commit a murder.” 

“Ginger’s so funny. I can see why she’s your best friend,” Trixie said. Katya gave her a look Trixie couldn’t quite decipher. 

“She’s my oldest friend,” she corrected. The unspoken suggestion behind her words made Trixie’s heart feel like it was flipping in her chest, and she looked down at their hands to avoid Katya’s eyes. Katya’s bitten nails had the last remnants of bright red polish on them, and her skin was tinged slightly yellow around the nails on her middle and ring fingers. Her fingers were bony, delicate; Trixie liked the feel of them tucked between her own. 

“Trixie,” Katya whispered. Trixie looked up, mouth dry. A smile slowly stretched across Katya’s lips. “Can we watch Contact?” Trixie burst out laughing, throwing one hand over her mouth. At least she knew Katya was feeling better if she was bugging her to watch her favorite movie. Trixie had managed to avoid watching it too many times with her so far, but today she decided it was worth it to keep that smile on Katya’s face. 

“Fine,” she said, putting on a big dramatic sigh even as Katya let out a triumphant squawk. She rolled over to retrieve her laptop from its spot stowed away under her bed, and Trixie was unsurprised to see that the movie was all ready to be played on her desktop. “You’re such a fucking dork,” she said fondly, as Katya propped up her laptop so they could see it. She took Trixie’s hand again, pulling it over her side to loop her arm around Katya’s middle. Trixie was more than happy to let her, for once determined not to let her frantic worries get in the way. 

The movie was as terrible as always, but it was infinitely more entertaining than it should have been with Katya constantly squeezing her hand or pointing things out or tapping on the screen to get her to pay attention to her favorite parts. By the end she could tell Katya was almost asleep, grip on her fingers loose and breathing slow and even. Trixie leaned over her, carefully shutting her laptop and moving it off the bed.

“I should go back to my room,” she whispered to Katya. It was late, the sky pitch black outside. No doubt Ginger would appear soon, and Kim and Pearl were probably wondering where she was.

“Stay. Please.” Katya’s voice was small, soft, and Trixie could hear the vulnerability behind it.

“Okay,” she agreed, nodding into the darkness. Katya rolled over towards her, and she could just about see the outline of her face. She looked tired but calmer than she had earlier, and Trixie was grateful for that. She wasn’t stupid; she was sure Katya was still worried, that those weren’t feelings that disappeared in the space of one evening, but if she’d helped Katya find a few hours of peace then she was proud of that.

“Thank you,” Katya whispered to her, leg sliding against Trixie’s as she drew it up towards herself.

“You don’t need to thank me,” Trixie insisted.

“Of course I do. I – Trixie, I…” Katya trailed off, and Trixie watched her face intently. “You’re the best, Trixie Mattel.” 

Trixie was grateful for the darkness as she felt her cheeks flush hot, and she leaned in and pressed her lips to Katya’s forehead instead of trying to respond. Katya huffed out a laugh that Trixie felt against her shoulder, and tucked herself in closer to Trixie.

“Go to sleep,” Trixie said, resettling herself so that Katya’s hair wasn’t blocking her mouth. Katya hummed, leg twitching against Trixie’s. Trixie held her close in the dark, quietly content as she felt sleep pull her under.


	8. chapter seven

“Please can we just go through those first few scenes one more time?”

“You know your lines, Tracy. I think you know every single line in the whole play!”

“Please? I don’t want to mess it up, we have to be word perfect for rehearsals tomorrow.”

Katya sighed, flopping backwards on her bed so that her head dangled off its edge, legs propped straight up against the wall. She had the script for Trixie’s play hanging from one hand, pages half folded down where they’d gone through it so many times. “Can we watch Contact after?” she bargained, shooting Trixie an upside down grin. Trixie rolled her eyes, swinging her legs from her spot perched on Katya’s desk. 

“You know Ginger will go crazy if she comes back and finds us watching it again,” she said.

“She’s with Kennedy and Jasmine, you know what they’re like once they start gossiping. Who knows when she’ll be back? One more time and then Contact?” Katya pressed, flipping back to the beginning of the script. 

“Oh my god, fine. One day you’re going to get sick of that movie and I hope I’m there for the moment,” Trixie said. Katya gasped, looking scandalized.

“Take that back!” she said.

“No!” Trixie laughed when Katya pulled a face at her, hopping off the desk to go and sit beside her on the bed. Katya pulled her legs down, pushing herself up with her hands on the floor and rolling over to lay on her stomach, chin on her hands. Trixie lay back beside her, head propped up on Katya’s pillows.

Things had been easy since the day of Katya’s meltdown – well, maybe not easy, but certainly easier. Now that Trixie knew how Katya felt, how nervous she could get and how sometimes the constant anxiety that was eating away at her could get too much, she’d gotten a little better at picking up on the cues that told her Katya was struggling. She knew when Katya just needed quiet and when she needed to be distracted with jokes and laughter. On those days when Katya needed peaceful company from her, the two of them holed up in one of their rooms, Trixie wondered about telling her about her family. Most of the time she didn’t even want to think about it, but there were times when she found herself practically choking on the desire to spill her guts about it all, and there was no one other than Katya she would trust with it. But the moment was never right; she’d open her mouth and the words would die on her tongue. She wanted to open up to Katya, give up as much of her history as Katya had given her, but she didn’t know how.

“Trixie!” Katya tapped her thigh, looking at her expectantly. Trixie blinked at her, then gave her a bashful smile.

“I’m ready!” she said, giggling when Katya dramatically cleared her throat before she started to read out the first lines before Trixie’s. They’d gone over Trixie’s scenes dozens of times, to the point where Trixie wouldn’t have been surprised if Katya was as word perfect on them as she was. She might not have gotten the parts she’d had her heart set on, but she still had a good part – besides, it had been worth it to make sure that she was there for Katya.

“See! You know every single word, you have nothing to worry about,” Katya said when they reached the end, dropping Trixie’s script to the floor beside her bed and reaching for her laptop.

“And if I don’t, I think I can count on you to step in for me,” Trixie replied. Katya laughed, nudging Trixie over and laying pressed up against her side as she propped her laptop up on the edge of her bed. 

“I’m not great at learning lines. I did a play here back when I first got here and they gave me this whole huge monologue at the beginning…I completely fucked it up! It was a mess,” she said, shaking her head.

“That was when you were young! I bet you know all of my lines as well as I do,” Trixie insisted. Katya cocked her head, considering.

“Well, I do have one monologue that I keep up my sleeve for these kinds of occasions,” she said, looking up at Trixie with wide eyes.

“What is it?” Trixie asked curiously, turning onto her side beside her. Katya cleared her throat again, then tossed her hair over her shoulder before fixing Trixie with a solemn expression, eyes wide and earnest.

“I had an experience. I can't prove it. I can't even explain it. But everything I know as a human being, everything I am...tells me it was real. I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever. A vision of the universe that tells us undeniably how tiny and insignificant, and how rare and precious we all are. A vision that tells us that we belong to something, that is greater than ourselves, that none of us are alone. I wish I could share that. I wish that everyone, if even for one moment could feel that awe and humility and hope.” Katya kept her gaze fixed on Trixie as she spoke, and Trixie was so lost in looking into her eyes that she barely took in the words she was saying. It was only when Katya’s lips starting to quirk up into a smile that Trixie realized what was happening, and she let out a shriek of laughter and pulled the pillow from beneath Katya’s head, dropping it onto her.

“I can’t believe you know that whole fucking monologue!” she said indignantly, while Katya wriggled around beside her, limbs flailing as she wheezed with laughter, looking monumentally proud of herself.

“I can’t believe it took you that long to recognize it! You haven’t seen this movie enough,” she said, giving Trixie a bright grin. Trixie rolled her eyes, replacing the pillow beneath their heads. She carefully untucked the strands of Katya’s hair that got trapped underneath it before she lay down properly again, looking up at the ceiling as Katya let the movie start playing. Maybe Trixie hadn’t recognized what Katya had been saying immediately, but she definitely knew Contact too well by this point. She had no idea why Katya loved it so much, but Trixie didn’t mind putting up with it just to see the absolute joy it seemed to bring her.

The movie started to play, but Katya looked over at Trixie. “What are you doing for the holidays, Tallulah?” she asked, reaching out to twist one of Trixie’s curls around her fingers. Trixie huffed but didn’t stop her, preoccupied by her question.

“I don’t know,” she said, admitting it to herself as well as Katya. She’d been so focused on the play coming up that she hadn’t let herself stop and consider what she’d do when she was supposed to go home for the holidays. It wasn’t that far away now, and she had no idea what would happen. Would they put her back in another group home? She couldn’t imagine anything more depressing that spending her Christmas break with a bunch of strangers.

“How about Thanksgiving? Are you normally at home or do you go see family?” Katya asked her.

“At home, normally,” Trixie said, chewing on her lip. It was the truth; normally it was a quiet day at home, just her immediate family. But this year Trixie wouldn’t be a part of that. Would it still be the same back home? Would anyone even mention her when they all sat down to dinner? She mentally shook herself, determined not to dwell. She managed to stop herself from thinking about it all too much most of the time; it felt far away now, long ago enough that she didn’t quite have to remember it was real. “What about you guys? Is Thankgiving even a thing in Russia?” she asked Katya, deflecting the topic away from herself. Katya laughed, fingertips brushing against Trixie’s collarbone as she braided her curls.

“It’s the all American holiday! I’ve gone to Florida with Ginger the last couple of years. It’s too far to go home just for Thanksgiving. What about Christmas, what do you guys do?” she asked. Trixie’s stomach knotted, she wished Katya wouldn’t ask so many questions. She didn’t want to keep anything from Katya, and part of her ached to open up and let out everything she’d been bottling up, but she was scared that if she started she wouldn’t stop.

“It’s not a big deal. Food, presents, family, everything you’d expect. I want to hear about Christmas in Russia! Is it different?” she pressed, plastering a smile on her face. For a moment Katya’s eyes were narrowed, but then she smiled back at her, vibrant and genuine. 

“It is! But I haven’t been there for Christmas in years. My parents come here for Christmas,” she explained.

“How come? Don’t you want to go home?” Trixie asked. Katya shrugged.

“I’m with my family. It doesn’t matter where we are,” she said. She made it sound so simple, and it made Trixie’s throat tighten, unexpected tears stinging at the back of her eyes. She blinked desperately, tipping onto her back to mask the way her breathing hitched. Katya made it sound so straightforward, and maybe it was, for her. Her vision blurred a little and her eyelashes were wet, and she quickly reached up to dab at them with the side of her finger.

“Trix?”

“Hm?” Trixie swallowed hard and purposefully avoiding looking over at Katya where she’d propped herself up on an elbow to look at Trixie. Trixie looked over at the wall instead, the haphazard collage of Katya’s drawings and pictures and articles she’d saved.

“Trixie, is there something—" 

“Hey! I didn’t know this was up here,” Trixie said, pointing up at a torn piece of paper stuck directly above Katya’s pillow. It was the silly doodle she’d drawn in Katya’s notes months ago in her attempts to cheer her up. Katya was still for a moment, and Trixie all but held her breath as she waited to see if Katya would let her change the subject. 

“Of course it is!” Katya said eventually, leaning over Trixie to tap at the drawing, a wide, warm smile spreading across her face. Her body pressed against Trixie’s side, and kept her fingertips on the edge of the drawing. Her hair dangled over Trixie’s face and she could smell the last cigarette she’d had on her, her thigh bumping against Trixie’s. 

“I didn’t even think you’d noticed it,” Trixie admitted, brushing Katya’s hair away where it was tickling her nose. Katya looked down at her in surprise, bracketing her arms either side of Trixie’s head as she hovered over her. 

“Of course I did. I know I was a total bitch that day, but you…” Katya trailed off, looking back at the drawing. Trixie glanced over at it too, the torn edges of the page and the way they were a little crumpled, like someone had been toying with them. “I like it. I like us, having us up there. I like how you see me,” Katya said, her voice softer than Trixie was used to. 

“It’s just a dumb cartoon. You’re the artist, not me,” Trixie said, cheeks warm at the sincerity in Katya’s words.

“It’s cute! You captured my wooden teeth perfectly,” Katya insisted, stretching her smile out into an exaggerated grin until Trixie had to laugh. Katya laughed too, and Trixie could feel it vibrating against her body.

“Do you ever feel like it’s weird?” Trixie asked. Katya cocked her head, quizzical expression on her face. “How quickly we made friends, when I got here? It was like you saw me that first evening and just…decided you were going to be my friend.” Katya considered her, blue eyes thoughtful, and Trixie bit her lip. Then she shrugged.

“You make sense to me,” Katya said simply, and Trixie swallowed hard when Katya’s thumb stroked lightly over her arm. The air around her felt thick, and she couldn’t tear her gaze away from Katya’s. She felt hyper aware of how close they were, skin tingling and stomach knotted as Katya shifted above her.

“You make sense to me, too,” she whispered, because she couldn’t say anything else. It was the truth – she’d never met anyone like Katya before, and she couldn’t imagine not having her in her life. Katya smiled wide, and it was all Trixie could do to return it.

“We fit, don’t we?” Katya said, thumb pressing lightly into Trixie’s skin. It felt like Trixie’s blood was running too close to the surface, throbbing under Katya’s touch as more of Katya’s body pressed into hers and making her skin feel like it had been set alight. A pointed knee settled between her own, brushing against the soft skin of Trixie’s inner thighs and Trixie choked back a gasp, chest tightening.

“Yeah,” she breathed. She squirmed a little at the intensity of the feeling building in the pit of her stomach, and Katya brushed her fingers through Trixie’s hair, delicately tucking her curls behind her ear.

“Trixie, I—” 

Trixie cut Katya off before she could speak, giving into the indescribable urge to lean up and press her lips to Katya’s. Her lips were soft and warm and plump under her own and Katya sank into her immediately, closing the distance between them to press their bodies together. Her hand slid from Trixie’s hair to cup her cheek, the warm strength of her body settled against Trixie’s as Trixie drew her knees up, thighs slotted against Katya’s. 

It felt _right_ , the light touch of Katya’s fingertips as she tilted her head, carefully opening Trixie’s lips beneath her own and licking into her mouth. Trixie couldn’t help the quiet whimper that escaped her, fingers sinking into the back of Katya’s hair as her arm wound around her back, clinging to the thin material of her shirt. She could feel the heat of Katya’s skin through her shirt, not an inch of space between them as Katya kissed her deeply. It was all Trixie could do to return the kiss, Katya’s warm breath puffing against her upper lip from her nose and her hand sliding slowly down Trixie’s side, short nails scraping lightly. Trixie bit down on her lip at the way her whole body tingled at the touch. It felt like her skin was pulled too tight, buzzing at every sensation and ready to burst with the hot waves of new feelings Katya was drawing from her. She tried to pull her closer, fingers pressing against Katya’s scalp and her stomach tightening at the moan Katya let out against her lips. She crowded in closer to her, teeth grazing lightly over Trixie’s lower lip before she kissed her hungrily again. Trixie felt boneless, any tension in her body sprung tightly in her lower stomach as she clung to Katya for dear life.

Outside Katya’s room, a door slammed loudly. Trixie jumped in surprise, her whole body jerking and lips pulling away from Katya’s. She tried to catch her breath, breathing heavily as Katya panted against her cheek. Trixie felt stunned, suddenly on high alert as her mind raced.

What had just happened? This was her _best friend_ and her best friend was a _girl_ and Trixie had _kissed her_ and _what was she doing?_

Katya’s hand squeezed her side lightly and Trixie opened her eyes to find Katya looking at her with a soft, almost dopey smile on her face. “Trixie,” she said, voice quiet as she leaned in again to press their lips together.

“Stop!” Trixie gasped, heart racing as she jolted upwards, scrabbling to get out from underneath Katya. Katya was still for a moment, but then she kneeled up, letting Trixie roll off the bed until she was standing in front of it. “I can’t,” she said, stepping backwards and trying to block out the way Katya was looking at her, surprise and then hurt crossing her face. Trixie’s heart was beating fast and there was a hot lump in her throat as she reached the door, grabbing the handle with a shaking hand. What had she been thinking? Ginger could have come back or any of the girls could have walked in, and what would they have found? How could she have been so stupid? She’d let some crazy moment of madness take over.

“Trixie, wait—” 

Not daring to look back over her shoulder, Trixie opened the door, letting it shut behind her with a bang as she fled.


	9. chapter eight

Trixie barely slept that night, tossing and turning in her bed as she replayed everything over and over in her head. She knew she’d been a mess all evening, snapping at Kim when she tried to ask if everything was okay and burrowing herself under her covers until she was sure Kim and Pearl were asleep. She felt too hot and ready to crawl out of her skin, desperate to claw at it and escape the uncomfortable tightness that had settled in her chest. Her phone lay abandoned by her bed; she didn’t want to check it, too afraid of any messages Katya might have sent her – and a little afraid that there might not be any messages at all. It was as if she could still feel her, the press of Katya’s soft lips against her own and the light touch of her fingertips on Trixie’s jaw, her back, in her hair. There was an ache in the pit of Trixie’s stomach that she didn’t want to put a name to, and she curled herself into a tight ball and tried to shut her brain off, eyes squeezed shut.

She thought she might have dozed off into a fitful sleep for a little while in the early hours of the morning, but by the time her alarm went off she didn’t feel rested at all, eyes hot and itchy and mouth dry as she dragged herself out of bed. 

“You look like shit,” Pearl said as Trixie shuffled towards the door, trying to push her hair back from her eyes and snagging her fingers in a knot. 

“Fuck off,” Trixie replied flatly. Her whole body felt heavy, weighing her down as she thought ahead to the day in front of her. Although she was dreading a full day of rehearsals on so little sleep, at least it meant she could easily avoid Katya for the rest of the day. Katya normally slept in on the weekends, so Trixie figured she could feasibly stay away from her until dinner – maybe even for the whole day if she could persuade Kim to bring her snacks so she wouldn’t have to go to dinner at all. 

Trixie snagged her shower things and opened the door, rubbing her tired eyes.

“Trixie?” Her head whipped around in surprise at the sound of Katya’s voice, and she found her standing halfway down the corridor between their rooms. She looked tired and worried, one socked foot shifting as she wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her oversized shirt closer to herself. She offered Trixie a small, hopeful smile; she seemed more vulnerable than Trixie had ever seen her and it made something deep in her chest ache. 

“I have to shower,” she said, turning away from Katya. She felt a familiar hand lightly touch her arm and Trixie jerked away from her, head down as she walked quickly to the showers.

When she emerged, Katya was gone.

 

***

  

“Trixie, is something wrong?” Max’s voice snapped Trixie out of her stupor, and Trixie blinked at her for a moment before plastering what she hoped counted as a smile onto her face. 

“I’m just tired, that’s all. I didn’t sleep well last night,” she said. She wasn’t surprised Max was asking; she’d been a mess for the whole of rehearsals all morning, missing her cues and forgetting her lines until they had to abandon one of her scenes altogether for the day. 

“You poor thing,” Max said, squeezing Trixie’s arm lightly. Trixie wasn’t sure she deserved Max’s sympathy. 

“I’ll be fine, really. I just need to get out of here,” Trixie said honestly. She needed to clear her head and that definitely wasn’t going to happen in a stifling theatre, surrounded by the other girls and trying to pay attention to the rehearsals. She carefully extracted her arm from Max’s grip and drew her knees to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. She stayed quiet for the rest of the morning, ignoring the looks the other girls shot her and trying – and failing – not to let herself think too much about the night before. 

Trixie had no idea what came next. How did they go back to normal from here? How could she forget what it felt like to have Katya’s body crowded against hers, what she tasted like, the way she moaned against Trixie’s lips? Trixie squeezed her arms tightly around her legs, nails digging into her forearms. 

Trixie was quiet during their short lunch break, sitting herself a seat away from the other girls and drinking two cups of coffee until her hands were trembling. She toyed with her salad, leaving it mostly untouched by the time they went back to rehearsals. She didn’t fare much better than she had in the morning, fumbling over her lines and retreating to the corner whenever she could. She didn’t feel like herself. She couldn’t figure out why this had turned into such a big deal – it was just a stupid kiss, right? Katya was her best friend, her best friend who’d always been incredibly tactile with her from the very first day they’d met. It was a weird environment at RuPaul’s, holed up every day with only a handful of other girls for company; it was hardly any wonder that something like this had happened. It didn’t have to mean anything! So why was there such a deep ache in her chest? 

Trixie was practically overwhelmed with relief when they were finally released for the day, grabbing her things and dashing out of the theatre when Ms Visage gave her a Look that suggested she wanted to know what had happened to turn Trixie into such a mess. Ignoring the other girls as they chatted happily together, Trixie kept her head down as she headed straight back to her bedroom. It had never really bothered her that she had to share a room here until now, but she knew Kim was working on a design project with Naomi and Pearl normally spent her weekends with Violet, so hopefully she’d have some peace and quiet. 

 _Trixie: please can you bring me snacks from dinner later?_

_Kim: what’s wrong with you?_

_Trixie: please?_

_Kim: ?????_

_Trixie: im just tired please_

_Kim: youre tired because??_

_Trixie: because i didn’t sleep a lot last night_

_Kim: you didn’t sleep a lot last night because??_

_Trixie: fuck kim please just get me something to eat or don’t i don’t even care_

_Kim: omg, okay, fine_

Trixie nudged the door open to her room, stopping short as it swung shut behind her. Pearl was splayed out on her bed, sketchbook in front of her and muted music playing out of her phone as Violet sat perched beside her, nails tapping against the screen of her phone. Tucked into the corner of the window seat was Katya, looking out of the window with a cigarette dangling from her fingertips. The sun was setting behind her where she curled up with her legs underneath her, and Trixie could see the chipped pink polish on her toes. Her hair was pulled up into a tangled mess of a ponytail, oversized flannel draped over her thighs and brushing against her knees. She was beautiful, and Trixie’s heart ached. 

“Oh,” Trixie said, too tired to stop herself from reacting aloud. Katya’s head snapped towards her, and she quickly stubbed her cigarette against the window frame and tossed it outside. 

“Hi,” she said, uncurling her legs and moving to stand up. 

“What are you doing here? This isn’t actually your room, you know,” Trixie said, fiddling with the edges of her phone case. Pearl and Violet were watching them, and she wanted to turn and run out of the room.

“I want to talk to you,” Katya replied. She looked uncertain, a little taken aback by Trixie’s reaction to finding her here. _Good_ , Trixie thought. She was exhausted and had no desire to talk to Katya about what had happened, and she didn’t like that Katya had basically trapped her in her own room.

“Come on,” Pearl said to Violet in a low voice, gathering her sketchbook and phone under one arm and taking Violet’s hand in the other.

“Are you kidding me? What’s going on?” Violet said, trying to resist Pearl’s tugs on her hand before huffing. “Fine!” she said dramatically, letting Pearl lead her out of the room. Trixie watched them go, then looked back at Katya reluctantly.

Trixie didn’t know what to say. Half of her wanted to tell Katya to fuck off and the half wanted nothing more than to cross the room and touch her hand, run her fingers through her hair, kiss her again until she couldn’t even breathe. She settled on, “Did you tell them?”

Katya blinked at her in surprise. “What? No.”

Trixie nodded, feeling the slightest sense of relief. “What do you want? I have shit to do,” she said.

Katya’s lower lip was snagged between her teeth, and Trixie could tell from the way her hands were fidgeting at her sides that she was uncomfortable. She took a step towards Trixie and Trixie looked away, crossing her arms over her chest as if she could protect herself. 

“Trixie, last night—” 

“Was stupid. I don’t know why it happened, do we really have to talk about it?” Trixie cut in, panic tightening in her chest. There was silence for a moment, and Trixie finally forced herself to look over at Katya. Her eyes were wide, a look of surprise on her face.

“You kissed me. It means something to me,” she said, voice quiet. Trixie immediately felt guilty, but she forced it down and turned away from her. Trying to find something to distract her, she went to her desk and dropped her phone onto it, lining up her makeup brushes with fingers trembling. 

“It didn’t mean anything to me,” she lied, “I don’t know why I did it.” 

“Trixie—” 

“I wouldn’t have thought it’d mean anything to you, either. From the way Willam and the other girls talk about you it was hardly your first kiss, right? I just didn’t realize you fucked girls as well as guys.” The words tasted sour as they left her mouth, and she almost jumped out of her skin when Katya’s hand touched her wrist. 

“Trixie! What the fuck is going on?” Trixie pulled her hand away but Katya moved to stand next to her and Trixie could see the way she was gaping at her from the corner of her vision. 

“Nothing! You’re the one who wants to make it a big deal,” Trixie replied, not letting herself look up at Katya. She felt like she was suffocating, and she knew that if she looked into Katya’s eyes she’d crumble. 

“Is this because I’m a girl? Is that what’s going on, you’re freaking out?” 

“I’m not – I’m not freaking out. I’m fine! I don’t like girls,” Trixie insisted, grabbing onto the edge of the desk. It felt like it was vibrating under her touch, but the room also felt vaguely like it was spinning around her. 

“Trixie,” Katya said, voice softer now. She stepped closer and Trixie squeezed her eyes shut, trying to breathe evenly as Katya’s small hand tentatively touched hers. She didn’t try to fight her, exhaling long and slow as Katya’s fingers slipped between hers. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You know that, don’t you? It doesn’t matter if you like girls.” 

“I don’t!” Trixie said quickly.

“Does it matter that Pearl and Violet are together? That Alaska likes girls?” 

“I don’t care about them,” Trixie said, still not daring to open her eyes. Katya’s hand squeezed hers lightly. 

“Trixie, will you please look at me?” Trixie resisted for a moment until she realized Katya wasn’t going to go anywhere, so she reluctantly opened her eyes. Katya was standing close to her, expression concerned. A gentle smile spread across her face when Trixie looked at her, and she reached for Trixie’s other hand. Trixie let her take it, powerless not to. “ _I_ like girls. I like you, Trix. Kissing you last night was…you make me feel good about myself, and I haven’t in a long time. There’s nothing wrong with you, there can’t be. You’re too good.” Katya sounded utterly sincere and she brought Trixie’s hands closer to her chest, holding them together in both of her own.

Trixie could feel hot tears burning in the back of her throat, breathing quickly to stop them spilling over. Her chest was tight, panic gripping her like a vice at the way Katya’s words resonated with her. 

“That’s not me, Katya! You can’t talk me into liking girls,” Trixie said, shaking her head. “Is that what you were trying to do all this time?”

“Trixie—” 

“I thought you were my friend, I didn’t think that was what you wanted from me—” 

“Trixie!” Katya looked shocked and hurt, but she didn’t let go of Trixie’s hands. “I _am_ your friend. Of course I am. I thought – I thought you felt the same way. Last night—” 

“Stop it! Please, stop it,” Trixie said, snatching her hands back and holding onto the edge of her desk. She was so _tired_ , exhausted and confused and angry, at herself and the world and Katya for pushing her. “Why can you not just drop it? I’m not like you! Is this why your family wanted to send you back here so bad that they had to fucking bribe the school to take you, Katya? And now you want to try and make me like you?”

As soon as the words left Trixie’s lips she wanted to take them back, stomach churning. Katya’s hands hung loosely in front of her, and Trixie could see how bright her eyes were.

“Who told you that?” she whispered, breath hitching. Trixie wanted to drop to her knees and beg Katya to forgive her, to take her hands again and promise her that she didn’t mean it, that it didn’t matter, that Katya was the best person she’d ever met and that nothing else was important. 

Instead, she said, “Does it matter?”

Katya laughed humourlessly, wiping under her eyes with shaking fingers as a few tears slipped down her cheeks and left mascara tracks over her skin. “I suppose not. I know everyone says it. I just didn’t know you did,” she said, sniffing and tipping her head back slightly, blinking to try to stop her tears. Trixie watched her, still clutching her desk. It felt like it was vibrating again. She glanced away from Katya to see that her phone was lit up against the wood, buzzing insistently. She reached over to grab it, flipping it over.

“Oh my god,” she breathed, almost dropping her phone as the buzzing stopped.

_Mom missed call (4)_

“Trixie,” Katya said, voice shaky. “Why didn’t you tell me they told you that? Why didn’t you _ask me_?”

Trixie could barely think, staring at her phone. She hadn’t heard from her family since the day they took her away, and her mom had chosen now of all moments to call her? Why at all? Should Trixie call her? Her mind raced through every scenario she could think of that would make her mom pick _now_ to call her. 

“Trixie,” Katya said again, almost pleading with her.

“What?” Trixie said, eyes flicking up from her phone to look at her. Katya was looking at her in disbelief, like she didn’t even recognize Trixie any more. 

“Can you put your fucking phone down?” she said. Trixie blinked at her, clutching her phone in both hands.

“Katya, I…” Trixie trailed off, not even sure where to start. Katya huffed out another laugh.

“Forget it,” she said, pushing past Trixie to get to the door. 

“Kat, wait,” she said, turning after her. Katya stopped, one hand on the door. Trixie’s phone buzzed again in her hands and she swallowed hard, looking down at it. 

_Mom calling_

Trixie stared at the screen, frozen. Her mom was on the other end of the line, trying to talk to her for the first time in months. 

She looked up at the sound of the door opening. Katya was gone, the door creaking closed behind her. 

“Hey! Is Trixie in there?” Trixie heard Kim say in the corridor, her hand reaching out to keep the door open. Trixie’s phone had stilled in her hand. “Katya? Are you crying?”  
  
Trixie looked down at her phone again, vision swimming as the reality of what had happened hit her. Trixie had been a total bitch to Katya, said shitty things when Katya had been trying her hardest to comfort her and not even apologized. Her phone buzzed again and she let it fall out of her hands, dropping to the floor. Trixie sank down onto her bed as Kim came into the room, putting her head into her hands and bursting into tears as her phone vibrated by her feet.


	10. chapter nine

Thankfully, Trixie had only managed to be a complete bitch to one of her best friends, so when Kim saw how distraught Trixie was she sat down beside her, pulling her into a hug. Trixie leaned into her, bawling into Kim’s shoulder until her throat was raw and her eyes were puffy. 

“Trixie, what happened? Did you have a fight with Katya?” Kim asked, squeezing Trixie’s shoulder. Trixie burst into a fresh wave of sobs, clinging to Kim’s arms. Her phone buzzed by her ankle and Kim went to pick it up for her, but Trixie grabbed her arm.

“Don’t,” she choked out, while Kim looked up at her in confusion.

“Trixie, your mom’s calling you. Don’t you want to talk to her?” she asked.

“Why is she calling me _now_? Why does it have to be now? She didn’t want to talk to me for months, she didn’t want to know where I was or if I was okay but _now_ she’s decided she wants to call me and _call me_ and I don’t know why!” Trixie’s words were filled with anger and upset, and she kicked her buzzing phone across the room. It spun under Pearl’s bed and she heard a crack as it collided with the wall.

“Trixie, Trixie, hey, come on,” Kim said, and Trixie realized she was shaking, hands curled into tight fights. She opened them and saw deep red crescent marks against her palms.

“Fuck,” she breathed. Kim rubbed her arm gently, and Trixie sniffed, rubbing her eyes. She could only imagine what she looked like, makeup all over her face, but it didn’t matter. “I fucked up so bad, Kim, she’s never gonna talk to me again.”

“Your mom?” Kim sounded confused. Trixie shook her head.

“Katya. Fuck, Kim, I was such a bitch to her.” Trixie put her head in her hands again, acid burning the back of her throat as she relived all of the terrible things she’d said to Katya. She’d told her that kissing her had meant nothing, but it had meant everything. That was the problem.

“Trixie, it’ll be okay. Everyone knows how well you two get along, you’ll figure it out,” Kim assured her, brushing Trixie’s hair back lightly. “You can’t have said—”

“I kissed her, Kim.” Trixie let the words hang in the air between them. At first she felt sick, desperate to take the words back and carry on pretending it had never happened. But Kim didn’t freak out, didn’t pull away from her. She did shift a little and Trixie looked up to see Pearl and Violet in the doorway, Pearl had her stupid ‘Pearl face’ on that said she knew they’d walked in at precisely the wrong moment. Violet, on the other hand, looked positively gleeful.

“It’s about fucking time!” she said, crossing the room to perch on Pearl’s bed.

“What do you mean?” Trixie asked. Her face was burning hot, she couldn’t believe that she’d not only blurted it out to Kim but to Pearl and Violet, too.

“What, are we supposed to be surprised?” Violet asked, arching one perfect dark brow at Trixie. Trixie blinked back at her, dumbstruck. “Pearly, are you surprised?” Violet asked. Pearl looked between Violet and Trixie. 

“Oh, sure. Gasp, right?” she said in her low, slow voice, and to Trixie’s surprise she left Violet sitting on her own to sit on Trixie’s other side, wrapping an arm around her back. She set her chin on Trixie’s shoulder, and Trixie let herself relax a little bit. 

Kim knew. Pearl knew, Violet knew, they all knew she’d kissed Katya, kissed another girl, and no one had had any kind of extreme reaction. Violet actually seemed happy, even if Trixie had no idea why she’d been expecting it. A little of the unbearable tightness in her chest loosened, and she let out a long, slow breath. 

“Girl, you’re kind of a mess,” Violet pointed out from Pearl’s bed, and Trixie had to laugh. 

“No shit, Vi. You know, this is why you’re supposed to tell us whether you’re insulting us or not when you talk, so you don’t sound like a complete bitch every time you open your mouth,” she said, and Violet threw her head back in a laugh. 

“For real, though, what happened? Why are you so upset if you and Katya finally kissed?” she asked.

“It wasn’t finally. It’s not – it’s not like that. I’m not like that,” Trixie said, flustered. Violet rolled her eyes.

“You’re kidding, right?" 

‘Violet,” Pearl said in warning, squeezing Trixie’s side.

“No, come on. We’ve all seen the way Katya looks at her, it’s ridiculous! I’m surprised it took until now for something to happen,” Violet said. 

“What do you mean, the way she looks at me?” Trixie asked. Pearl turned to look at her.

“It’s kind of obvious,” she said, voice kind. Trixie wasn’t used to this side of Pearl. Sure, they got along just fine, but normally most of their conversations were made up of them throwing shade at each other and teaming up to make fun of Kim. 

“She looks at you like Pearl and Violet look at each other,” Kim added.

“Please, we’re not that disgusting,” Violet retorted, long ponytail swishing around her shoulders. 

“We’re really not,” Pearl agreed.

“It’s not like that,” Trixie protested weakly.

“Why not?” Kim asked. She sounded like she was being carefully patient with Trixie, as if she was a small child she was trying to reason with. 

“Because I’m not – Kim, you know I’m not…” Trixie trailed off, swallowing hard.

“Trixie, there’s nothing wrong with liking girls,” Kim said gently.

“I know there’s not!”

“Is there anything wrong with Pearl and Violet?” Kim asked. Pearl tucked her chin in, putting on her goofiest smile. Trixie managed a weak laugh. 

“Individually, sure,” she said, smiling at Pearl, “but not with them being together.” 

“Then why is it any different for you?” Violet interjected, leaning forward. She had a serious expression on her face. 

“It just isn’t me!” Trixie said. She squeezed her eyes shut as every vicious insult that had ever been hurled at her came rushing back, every whisper and snigger behind her back at school. Kim squeezed her hand.

“Trixie,” she said in a quiet voice. Trixie focused in on her, opening her eyes again. Kim was looking into her eyes, and she gave Trixie a reassuring smile. Trixie squeezed her hand back, trying to calm herself. “It’s okay,” Kim said, and Pearl nodded against her shoulder. “Tell me what happened with Katya just now. I’m assuming that wasn’t when you kissed her?” Trixie shook her head.

“Last night,” she said.

“No wonder you were such a zombie this morning,” Pearl said.

“And just now?” Kim prompted.

“God, I was such a bitch to her. She was trying so hard to be nice to me and I wouldn’t let her,” Trixie admitted, looking down at her lap.

“What did you say? It can’t be that bad,” Pearl said.

“It can. I said – jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me? I brought up all that stuff you told me about her parents having to pay to get her back in here.” Trixie winced, filled with self-loathing as she remembered how shocked and upset Katya had been at the angry words Trixie threw at her. There was a beat of silence, and then Violet groaned.

“Pearl, please tell me you weren’t the one who told her that?” she said, sounding pained. Trixie looked over at Pearl in surprise. 

“I was just telling her what I knew,” Pearl said, shrugging. “She asked!” 

“Pearl! You don’t know any of that. Poor Kat, I wish people would stop spreading that stupid rumour,” Violet said, sighing. 

“So it’s not even true?” Trixie asked, even more mortified. How could she have been so stupid as to believe some crazy rumour about Katya without even trying to ask her about it.

“I don’t know. She doesn’t talk about it with anyone, except maybe Ginger. But there’s been so many rumours flying around about it, I’m not surprised you ended up hearing that one,” Violet said, shrugging. “No wonder she was so upset, if you said that to her.”

“Don’t remind me! I bet she’ll never want to talk to me again,” Trixie said, wiping her eyes again as fresh, hot tears spilled over her cheeks. Knowing she’d upset Katya for no reason other than her own uncertainty and fear was the worst feeling in the world.

“Don’t be overdramatic. Go and apologise to her, it’ll be alright. You’re sorry, right?” Violet said.

“Of course I am!” 

“It’ll be fine. She loves you,” Pearl said beside her, voice full of certainty. Trixie bit the inside of her cheek, a little overwhelmed. 

“What the fuck is buzzing?” Violet said, patting her hands over the covers on Pearl’s bed. She reached her arm down its side, sitting back up with Trixie’s phone in her hand and a horrified look on her face. “I think someone’s trying to call you,” she said, holding it out to Trixie. The screen was cracked almost diagonally, but it was still lit up to show that her mom was calling. Trixie hesitated and the buzzing stopped.

“11 missed calls? Maybe you should answer,” Pearl said, reading the screen. Trixie took the phone and turned it off, setting it on her bed behind her.

“Ok-ay,” Violet said, drawing the word out and raising an eyebrow at Trixie. Her gaze flickered over to Kim, and Trixie could see in her peripheral vision the shake of her head Kim gave her. Trixie was grateful; she had no interest in trying to explain her family to Violet and Pearl right then. She was too tired.

“I’m gonna go see if Katya will talk to me,” she decided. It hadn’t felt right last night, not talking to Katya, and it felt even worse now. She had to try to fix it, if Katya would let her.

Pearl pulled away from her, going to sit with Violet. Her hand migrated to Violet’s knee and Violet smiled at her, pushing Pearl’s hair back from her forehead. Trixie watched them for a moment. They didn’t act all that differently from the way she had with Katya all this time, sharing space and familiarity with each other. Maybe she could see why Violet had guessed something would happen, if perhaps she’d seen something of herself and Pearl in them.

Was that what Trixie wanted with Katya? It scared her, overwhelmed her to think that it was, but not as much as the thought of not having her in her life did. Katya made her feel special, important; they made sense when they were together, just as Katya had said last night. They fit together, naturally, even when Trixie had been fighting it with every fiber of her being. Maybe she was tired of fighting it.

She paused by her mirror, sighing and wiping away the worst of the black mascara smeared around her eyes, before she went to the door. She felt a little sick as she walked down the hallway towards Katya’s and Ginger’s room, worried about the reception she’d get. She’d do anything to get Katya to forgive her, and she just had to hope that Katya would be willing to let her. 

When she reached their room she knocked on the door, stomach full of butterflies. “Katya?” she said, leaning in close to the doorframe and listening. Nothing. “Kat? Can I come in, please?” There was no response again, and Trixie hesitated before putting her hand on the door handle.

The door opened from the other side and Ginger appeared, quickly pulling the door shut behind her. Trixie peered past her and for a moment her eyes locked with Katya’s. She was curled up on her bed, so small, and Trixie could see from the redness around her eyes how upset she was.

“You need to leave,” Ginger said, drawing Trixie’s attention to her. Trixie blinked at her, and Ginger huffed, crossing her arms across her chest. “Jesus, you look like a fucking mess. Good. I don’t know what the fuck you said to her, but I think you should leave her alone.” Trixie was surprised at that. Katya hadn’t told Ginger what she’d said to her, what they’d been fighting about? She felt even more guilty at the idea that, even after how awful Trixie had been to her, Katya was still keeping quiet. She knew it had to be for Trixie’s sake; it was typical of Katya to be thoughtful even when Trixie had been the biggest bitch in the world.

“I just want to apologise,” Trixie tried to explain, but Ginger shook her head.

“I don’t think so, not now.”

“Ginger, come on—”

“I mean it. Leave her alone for a while,” Ginger said firmly. Trixie’s mouth opened and shut, but then she swallowed around the lump in her throat.

“Will you please just tell her that I’m sorry? I’m so sorry, I was a fucking idiot,” she said, fixing Ginger with an earnest look that she hoped put across how serious she was.

“Alright,” Ginger agreed, and Trixie hoped she meant it. She nodded, taking a step back from her. Ginger went back into her room, and even though Trixie tried to lean around enough to look inside she couldn’t see anything past Ginger before the door shut behind her.

By the time Trixie got back to her room, Violet and Pearl were curled up in each other, legs tangled together and foreheads touching as they giggled over something in one of Violet’s fashion magazines. Kim offered her a warm, reassuring smile and Trixie returned it with a tiny one of her own as she sat down on her own bed, picking up her phone again. She felt a little mournful as she ran her finger over the crack along its screen. She turned it on again, turning to her desk to take the ruins of her makeup off and grab her headphones while it turned back on. Finding her favourite Dolly playlist, she curled herself up into a ball and opened up her messages with Katya. Her fingers hovered over the screen as she considered what to write, looking at the messages Katya had sent her since the night before.

 

_Katya: hey, can we talk in the morning?_

_Katya: sorry about this morning, I know you were busy. I hope rehearsals go well, maybe we can talk later?_  

 

Trixie was reminded over and over how unfair she’d been to Katya; no matter what had happened, Katya was always kind to her, a good friend, and she didn’t deserve the way Trixie had treated her. She chewed on her lip, staring at her phone’s screen for a long moment before beginning to type. 

 

_Trixie: I’m so sorry about earlier. I never ever wanted to hurt you but I did and I had no good reason to, you didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t want you to think that I talk about you with the other girls, you’re totally right I should have asked you about what I’d heard instead of throwing some stupid rumour in your face because I was upset. I really hope you can forgive me because you’re my best friend, you’re the best person I’ve ever met and I can’t imagine not having you in my life even if that sounds crazy. Maybe we can talk tomorrow, if you want to? I’m so sorry, Katya, I’ll keep apologizing forever xxx_

Trixie considered her message for a few moments, reading it over before sending it. She could only hope it was the first step in showing Katya how sorry she was for hurting her and how badly she wished she could take it all back. She set her phone beside her, unable to stop herself from watching it to see if Katya was going to respond. She was so tired, exhausted from the constant emotional turmoil that had been going on since last night, and she could feel her eyelids drooping. Dolly’s voice was soothing in her ears, and Trixie was too tired to think about the confusing emotions that had been plaguing her about the two of them. 

Trixie was on the edge of sleep when her phone screen lit up brighter, and she immediately grabbed it. Katya was typing, and her stomach tightened as she watched the three dots below her message. After a minute, they disappeared, and Trixie waited, holding her breath, to see what Katya would say. 

A message never came through. Katya had stopped typing and she didn’t start again, and Trixie fell asleep with a heavy weight on her chest as she wondered if Katya would be able to forgive her. 

 

***

  

Trixie woke early the next morning, headphones tangled around her and the tinny sound of her music playing against her pillow. The first thing she did was grab her phone, unable to stop the crushing disappointment that filled her when she saw that Katya still hadn’t replied to her. She sighed, drawing her knees up to her chest. With a little more sleep in her and the fresh perspective of a new day, Trixie was even more angry at herself for the way she’d treated Katya. It was no wonder, really, that she didn’t want to talk to her.

Trixie was going to have to do her best to change her mind. She slid out of bed, stretching her arms above her head and trying to take deep, calming breaths the way she’d seen Katya do in her impromptu yoga sessions. She had another day of rehearsals, and she was going to get herself together and do her best before she could focus on trying to win Katya back over. She was determined, and she knew she could make it work. She had to, there wasn’t an alternative; not one she was going to consider, anyway.

Once she was dressed, Trixie went to brush her teeth. It was early on a Sunday morning so there was no one else around, the hallway dark and quiet. She locked herself in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror as she brought her toothbrush to her mouth. A trembling hand gripped the sink.

“I,” she whispered to herself, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment before forcing them open. “I _like_ her. I liked kissing her. I want to kiss her – I want to kiss Katya again.” Her words were barely audible, but it didn’t matter. She was the one who need to hear them.

She looked into her own eyes as she moved her toothbrush around her mouth, specs of white toothpaste on her lips. She’d expected saying the words aloud to make her crumble, but somehow she felt lighter. Kim and Pearl and Violet all knew she’d kissed Katya, she’d admitted it to herself that she wanted to again, and the world hadn’t ended. She didn’t exactly feel the urge to shout it out loud to the whole world, but the idea of it didn’t make her want to curl up and cry, either. She spat into the sink and wiped her mouth, fluffing her hair up a little at the roots before leaving the bathroom.

Everything was going to be okay. It had to be.

As Trixie walked back to her bedroom, she wondered if she should try to talk to Katya now. Maybe she was asleep, it was so early and Katya didn’t have rehearsals all day, she had no reason to be awake. Maybe she’d be wide awake and she’d tell Trixie to fuck off the moment she saw her. Maybe she’d be curled up in bed, half asleep on a slow Sunday morning, and she’d let Trixie crawl under the covers beside her and whisper apologies to her until things were okay.

Trixie hesitated by her door, looking down the hallway towards Katya’s room as she tried to decide what to do. It was quiet, so when there was a series of footsteps hurrying up the stairs to their floor she looked over at the stairwell.

“Ms Mattel, really, we don’t usually have parents show up unannounced like this. Does your daughter know you’re coming, is there something wrong?” Trixie’s grip on the door handle tightened at what Ms Visage was saying. She couldn’t have…

The door to the hallway burst open and Trixie saw her mom standing there. When she spotted Trixie her eyes lit up. 

“Mom?” Trixie said, voice shocked. She started to take a step towards her, and the door opened again behind her. Ms Visage appeared, looking flustered. She wasn’t the only one. Trixie swallowed hard at the tall figure who followed her, leaning back against her door. He was here.


	11. chapter ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's finally the end! I've loved writing this and all the feedback has warmed my lil' gay heart so much I can't even explain. As always, so much love to matilda_queen and campholmes, the angels I absolutely do not deserve in my life who have helped me so much in writing this!!!
> 
> I listened to obstacles by syd matters and spanish sahara by foals on repeat while writing this chapter, if anyone would like a soundtrack recommendation! 
> 
> Please bear the warnings in the tags in mind. There's nothing worse than you'd see in an episode of unhhhh, but some sensitive issues are addressed.

Everything that came next was a blur. Trixie felt like she was being torn in two, overwhelmed by the fact that her mom was right there! In front of Trixie, after months apart! But he was there, too, and Trixie could remember all too vividly what had happened the last time they were together.

At first her mom had been soft and happy, telling Trixie how much she missed her, how hard she’d been trying to find where they’d taken her to, how _Trixie could just say sorry and they’d all go home, go back to normal_. Trixie had been so stunned by the situation that it taken her a moment to fully take in what she’d said.

“Say sorry?” Trixie whispered, hands clasping across her abdomen, the words hitting her like a physical blow. “For what? I didn’t do anything!”

Things descended into madness pretty quickly. The other girls had emerged from their rooms as soon as the yelling started, her mom and _him_ and Trixie wanted to shrink herself as small as possible, tuck herself away from it all. She could feel hands on her shoulder and sides and realized Kim and Pearl were standing around her, Kim at her side and Pearl at her back. Fame and Max were huddled in the doorway to their room opposite, and when Trixie looked over at them she saw Fame give her the most sympathetic, heartfelt look. She hated it, she hated that after all these months of building herself up here, making something of herself with these girls without the baggage of what she’d left behind, it had all blown up in front of her. She barely took in the words that were being hurled at her – _ungrateful bitch, do you know how worried we’ve been, thought you’d blow all of this out of proportion so you could come away to a school full of girls_ – trying to shut it all out and pretend it wasn’t happening. She felt numb from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, the only thing keeping her from crumpling to the floor was the steady presence of the girls surrounding her. She felt humiliated and heartbroken, too defeated to even try to argue back.

Trixie looked up, past the scene in front of her to see Katya stood beside Ginger at the end of the corridor. She looked pale and shocked, arms folded across her chest. Trixie swallowed hard, words like _pack you things up_ and _you’re not staying here any longer_ washing over her.

“I’m not leaving,” she said, amazed at how calm and controlled her words were. Her cheeks were hot and wet, and Kim squeezed her shoulder lightly. “I don’t want to go, I won’t. I like it here, I’m not leaving.”

“No, you’re not,” said a voice from the door to the stairway, low and strong and firm. Trixie had never actually spoken to RuPaul, never come across her except for catching glimpses of her when she was passing her office, but she knew that all of the girls had a shared reverence for her. Now, she understood why. She came to stand by Trixie, tall and calming, and put a large hand on her shoulder. “Girls, perhaps you could take Miss Mattel back to her room? I can deal with things from here,” she said, gesturing vaguely to Kim and Pearl. Trixie felt relief wash over her as gentle hands on her back guided her into their bedroom. She didn’t look back as the door shut behind them.

There was a moment of silence, and Trixie stood in front of her bed and blinked slowly at the wall. Pearl and Kim stood by her, and she could tell they didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to do, either. 

“Well, fuck,” she said eventually. She took a step towards her bed, feeling her legs weaken beneath her as the world spun. She sank down onto her bed and began to laugh hysterically, cupping her hands over her face. What else could she do? It felt like her whole world, this carefully pieced together life she’d created for herself, had just come crashing down around her without a moment’s warning. 

“Trixie?” Kim said, sounding uncertain as she sat beside her, hand going to Trixie’s back. The door opened behind Pearl and Trixie’s gut twisted in fear before she recognized Fame and Max’s figures as they slipped past Pearl. She couldn’t stop laughing, hands shaking in her lap as Fame reached for one and tucked her fingers into Trixie’s palm and squeezed.

“That was kind of crazy, huh?” Pearl said, moving to stand behind Max where she’d knelt on the floor by Trixie’s legs.

“Insane! Totally insane! Why wouldn’t it be?” Trixie’s voice was high, breathless, hysterical, and she couldn’t pinpoint the moment her laughter dissolved into sobs, but suddenly the girls were crowding in closer to her, clamouring to soothe her and tell her everything was going to be okay. It was stifling, and Trixie felt like her breath was catching in her throat. It was all too familiar, like that night when she first arrived and freaked out about her mom, except now she didn’t have Katya there to help her calm down. And whose fault was that? She choked back a sob, trying too hard to breathe and panicking herself even more. 

“Trix? Hey, Trix, hey, look at me,” a familiar low voice said, small, soft hand touching her knuckles. Space cleared in front of Trixie and Katya was there, crouching in front of her and looking her dead in the eye. Trixie reached for her hands, desperate, and Katya let her take them, link their fingers together and cling on. Katya had a small, barely-there smile on her face as she leaned towards Trixie, forearms brushing against her knees. “There we are. Breathe, okay? That’s all you gotta do,” Katya said in a soothing tone, and Trixie let out a long breath, centered on Katya’s hands in hers. She could feel Kim and Max and Pearl trying to comfort her too, light touches on her side and arm and shoulder, but she only let herself focus on Katya. She felt like her body was trying to float away but Katya was grounding her, keeping her safe and secure.

Trixie took in a few shaky breaths, and then had to laugh when Kim poked at her face in an attempt to dab away her tears with a tissue. The other girls laughed too, apparently relieved that Trixie wasn’t having a complete meltdown anymore. 

“Was that your dad, Trixie?” Fame asked, and Trixie sniffed before affecting a shudder.

“Step, thank fuck. No genes shared,” she said. Kim wrapped an arm around her and Trixie leaned into her, grateful for the one person who already knew everything that had happened. Trixie could tell the girls were dying to know what had happened to bring about such a scene – Violet was practically falling off Pearl’s bed, she was leaning so far forward towards her. Trixie sighed, and Katya gave her hands a tiny, imperceptible squeeze. “He’s not – we don’t get on. He’s a dick,” she said. Pearl snorted at her side. 

“That’s an understatement,” she said, and Trixie managed a small smile. 

“Yeah. They, um. They took me away from them, him and my mom. That’s why I came here, I didn’t even think they knew where I was.” The words came out in a rush, but it felt like ripping a band-aid off. 

“Oh, Trixie. Oh no, I think that might be my fault,” Max said, looking horrified. “I helped send out all the invitations for the play, I sent one to everyone’s parents. I’m so sorry!”

Trixie shrugged. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t know. Besides, my mom was trying to call me for hours last night. Maybe if I’d picked up she wouldn’t have decided to drive all the way here and try to drag me home.” She felt Katya’s nails dig lightly into her palm, and saw her eyes widen a little. “I’m sorry I never said anything? I just…wanted a fresh start here, I guess. I didn’t want it to matter once I’d gotten away from it all.” 

“Don’t apologise,” Violet said, “don’t! You don’t owe it to any of us, Trixie, what the fuck. It’s fucked up it happened, you don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to.”

“You think you’re the only one with family shit you don’t wanna talk about?” Pearl said from beside her, and Fame let out a breathy laugh.

“Some of us want to talk about our family shit but get yelled at for talking too much,” she said, making Violet throw her head back and laugh.

“Shut up, chicken lady. This isn’t about you,” she said, though she leaned over and kissed the top of Fame’s head. Fame rolled her eyes but then turned to look at Trixie again.

Trixie felt her chest swell with affection for the girls gathered around her. She glanced down at Katya in front of her, who’d rested her chin on their hands against Trixie’s knees. Katya gave her a small smile, and Trixie felt something loosen in her chest, her breathing coming a little easier.

“Gosh, look at the time. I need to get ready for rehearsals,” Max pointed out, stretching out her long legs as she stood up. “Trixie, are you coming? I’m sure it’ll be okay if you don’t want to today.”

Trixie took a deep breath, feeling defiant. “No, I’ll come,” she promised. Wasn’t that half the reason she’d wanted to come here so badly, after all? To do what she loved? She wasn’t going to let what happened get in the way of it. She wasn’t going to let them win. 

The other girls dispersed, and Trixie found herself on the receiving end of a fierce hug from Fame. She pulled her hands away from Katya’s to hug her back.

“You’re so strong,” Fame told her quietly, and Trixie laughed.

“I wouldn’t say that. Thanks, though,” she said, smiling gratefully at her. Fame held onto her for a moment longer, and when she pulled away Trixie realized Katya was standing now, crossing the room to the door ahead of Fame.

“Kat?” she said, cautious. She wasn’t stupid; just because Katya had come to help her now didn’t mean she wasn’t still mad at Trixie. That was who Katya was, thoughtful and kind and so _good_ Trixie didn’t know how to comprehend it, really.

Katya turned to face her in the doorway, letting Fame slip past her. Trixie looked at her, wishing she knew how to convey everything she felt in her expression. The smile Katya gave her was small but kind, promising. 

“I’ll talk to you later, okay? I promise, Tracy.” Trixie had to grin at that, the familiar nickname sending a rush of warmth through her. She nodded and Katya was gone, the door clicking shut behind her. Trixie was left with Kim and Pearl at her sides, and she let herself deflate a little. 

“It’s gonna be okay. Trixie, all those things he was saying to you – he’s wrong. You know that, don’t you?” Pearl said, wrapping her arms around Trixie so that she was sandwiched between the two of them. 

“Yeah,” Trixie said, honestly. She knew she was still a little numb about what had happened, and when she thought hard about it she had the intense urge to curl up as small as possible. But for now, she was okay. She knew, deep down inside, that there wasn’t anything wrong with her. Just because some asshole said that there was didn’t make him right. It still made her feel a little sick to think of the way her mom had stood by and let him say those things to her without any attempt to defend her, but Trixie chose to push that feeling down.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Pearl repeated. Trixie nodded, a small, grateful smile on her face. “What was it that Bob used to say?” Pearl looked past her at Kim as she spoke. Kim smiled softly.

“Everything works out in the end – if it's not working out, then it's not the end,” she said, looking back at Trixie.

“I like that,” Trixie said. She thought of the small smile Katya had given her, the way she'd automatically come to help her. “Yeah. I don’t think it’s the end yet.”

***

It was almost fully dark by the time Trixie found herself walking around to the back of the dorms. It was cold and she wrapped her arms around herself to pull her sweater closer to her body, tugging its sleeves down over her hands. It was quiet, no one around, but she could see a figure sat against the wall at the other side of the building.

“Can I sit?” she asked Katya when she reached her. Katya looked up at her, cigarette between her lips as she gestured to the ground beside her. Trixie couldn’t help the hopeful smile that spread across her face as she sat beside her, drawing her knees up to her chest. 

“How were rehearsals?” Katya asked, exhaling a lungful of smoke. Trixie coughed and waved a hand in front of her face, and Katya’s smile was fond as she switched hands so the wind would carry the smoke the other way.

“Sorry,” Trixie said, embarrassed. “Fine. Well, no, I was awful, but that’s fine. Everyone was way too nice about it, I think they were all scared I was gonna have a delayed breakdown at any moment.” Katya laughed.

“You showed up. That’s all that matters,” she agreed. Trixie nodded. They were quiet for a moment, Katya taking a last drag on her cigarette before stubbing it out in the grass in front of her. 

“You could have come to my room to smoke, you know. It’s freezing out here,” Trixie said, rubbing her arms.

“I like it out here. It’s peaceful. And the cold isn’t so bad, anyway, I don’t mind it,” Katya replied. Trixie shifted beside her, trying to figure out the right words.

“Kat—”

“It’s fine, Trixie,” Katya said before she could launch herself into an apology. 

“No, it’s not!” Trixie shifted around, kneeling up and facing Katya to get a better look at her. “I was a complete bitch, and that’s not fine.” Katya was twisting her fingers lightly by the nail between her fingertips, a sign Trixie knew meant she was uncomfortable. “I don’t want you to give me a free pass just because I have a fucked up family,” she said, reaching out to touch Katya’s wrist. Katya looked up at her, worrying her lip between her teeth.

“It’s not like I haven’t said stupid shit to you before,” she said eventually, and Trixie bit back a frustrated noise. She took both of Katya’s hands instead, looking her in the eye. Katya wilted slightly, turning her hands over to press their palms together. “You just surprised me. I suppose I’d convinced myself that maybe you hadn’t heard any of that stupid shit about me, and I didn’t expect you to throw it at me like that.”

“I shouldn’t have. I wanted to take it back the second I did, I swear,” Trixie said earnestly. Katya nodded, looking down at their hands. A noise that sounded suspiciously like a stifled giggle escaped her, and Trixie leaned in.

“So they told you my parents bribed my way back here, huh?” she said, linking her fingers through Trixie’s. Trixie groaned, letting her forehead fall against Katya’s shoulder.

“I’m such an idiot! You must have hated me.”

“We both know I could never hate you,” Katya said, and heat filled Trixie’s face, hope spreading through her chest. 

“I saw you, practicing in one of the studios back when I hadn’t been here long. I wanted to ask you about it, why you’d never told me you could do all that stuff, but Pearl and Kim told me not to. And it’s not like I’m in any position to judge anyone for wanting to have secrets,” Trixie said, lifting her head again. Cool wind whipped at her back, making her shiver, and Katya inched closer to her until their sides lined up.

“Is that who was calling you yesterday, when I was in your room? Your mom?” Katya asked her. Trixie nodded, and Katya drew their hands in towards her chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” Trixie said. There was no pity to Katya’s words, which she appreciated. “I’m sorry for believing those stupid rumours.”

“Thanks,” Katya echoed. She made to reach for cigarettes but stopped herself, and Trixie was grateful that she didn’t release her hands. Her palm was warm, curled around Trixie’s, and she could feel the thrum of her pulse at the curve of her wrist. “I tried to kill myself,” she said into the silence a moment later, and Trixie could tell that she was doing her best to sound casual despite the waver to her voice. Trixie caught herself before she gasped but she couldn’t help the way her grip on Katya’s hands tightened. “I mean, not really. It was dumb, I took, like, a handful of painkillers and then told Ginger what I’d done because I knew it was stupid. But my parents freaked out and I went home for a while. Somehow that turned into me having some kind of trial for the Olympics, which, as if I ever was ever good enough for the Olympics, jesus, and then it turned into me bombing the trial, which, like, bitch! If you’re gonna start a rumour at least make it a good one.” Katya was rambling, looking ahead of herself instead of at Trixie, and Trixie could feel her fingers twitching. Trixie felt like her heart was broken, trying to imagine Katya at such a low point that she’d even think of doing something like that. She brought their hands up to her chin, lips almost touching the back of Katya’s hand.

Katya looked up at her and sighed. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not – it wasn’t as big of a deal as it sounds like, really. It was all just…”

“Too much?” Trixie suggested.

“Yeah. Which is stupid, because I loved it. But it was supposed to be my ticket to college, and I was always supposed to be getting better and better and I didn’t feel like I was. And for a moment I didn’t see a way past feeling so bad about it.” 

“Kat…” 

“The whole thing about bribing my way back in here is more bad ass, right? I probably should have just let you think it was true,” she said, letting out a breathy laugh.

“You came back. I think that’s badass,” Trixie said. 

“I almost didn’t. But Ru’s pretty great, you know? She knew it would be good for me to be here, even if I wasn’t doing gymnastics anymore. She persuaded my parents to let me come back.” 

“I’m so glad she did.” Katya smiled at her then, a little brighter. 

“I wanted to tell you. Well, sometimes I did. Kind of? I didn’t want anyone to know, it’s embarrassing.” Trixie squeezed her hands. 

“It’s not embarrassing. But trust me, I understand that. I wanted to tell you about all that stupid shit with my family, too, but I never wanted to talk about it, either. I wanted you to know without me having to tell you, you know? I didn’t want to go over it again,” Trixie said, doing her best to explain the complicated twist of emotions the thought of her family always brought to her gut.

“You don’t want it to define you, if you have to keep talking about it,” Katya agreed.

“Yeah. I’m still sorry about what I said. It doesn’t matter if it was or wasn’t true, I shouldn’t have said those things to you.” Katya shrugged.

“You were hurting, Trix. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“But I—”

“Trixie. I forgive you,” Katya said seriously, and Trixie couldn’t help the wave of relief that flooded through her at the sincerity behind her words.

“Do you think things can go back to how they were between us?” Trixie asked hopefully. Katya smiled, a little lopsided as she finally pulled her hands back from Trixie’s.

“Sure, mama. We’re good, I promise. Okay?” she said, squeezing Trixie’s knee lightly. Trixie nodded, a long exhale escaping her as she felt herself relax. Then she caught herself, stopping and looking Katya dead in the eye. 

“No. Not okay. ” Katya frowned at her, and Trixie swallowed, wriggling over until she was kneeling in front of Katya. Tentatively, she let her hands run up Katya’s thighs, enjoying the rush it gave her as Katya’s eyes widened slightly. She leaned closer to her, giving her a moment to pull away. When she didn’t, Trixie pressed their lips together. Katya slid her hand around the back of Trixie’s neck, fingertips dipping into Trixie’s hair as Trixie kissed her slow and sweet.

When Trixie pulled back she didn’t go far, leaning her forehead against Katya’s. Katya’s eyes were still closed, and Trixie watched the way her eyelashes fluttered slightly, the little mascara marks just above her lash line.

“Please don’t run away again,” Katya whispered. She sounded like she was trying to joke but falling short, and Trixie brought her hands up to cup her cheeks lightly. Katya’s eyes opened again, and she looked silently into Trixie’s.

“Kat, I—” Trixie trailed off and swallowed hard, focusing on the feeling of Katya’s fingertips brushing over the back of her neck instead of the nerves in her pit of her stomach.

“Trixie, you don’t have to. It’s okay,” Katya said soothingly. 

“I want to. Please?” Katya nodded, and Trixie took a deep breath. “I like you. And you’re a girl, and that’s okay. I’m okay with that.” Katya was grinning at her, something like pride bright in her eyes. “I like you because you’re a girl. I mean, not just because you’re a girl. Because you’re you, and no one’s ever made me feel like you do.” Trixie’s heart was beating fast in her chest, and she was enjoying the spots of pink that had appeared on Katya’s cheeks as she spoke.

“I like you too, Tracy,” Katya said in a soft voice, leaning in to close the gap between them. Trixie leaned back, wrinkling her nose and trying to keep her smile from getting too big. Katya raised an eyebrow, smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “What?” she said.

“Tracy, really? Now?” Trixie said, and Katya laughed.

“Sorry, Tallulah.” Trixie huffed, and Katya’s grin grew, enjoying the tease. “Tamarah?”

“Kat!” It came out as a petulant whine, and Trixie let her forehead drop against Katya’s. She could feel Katya’s breath against her lips as she giggled at Trixie's irritation, so infectious that Trixie couldn't help but join in. Nothing else mattered in the world in that moment, the air around them shrunk down and trapping them together. 

“Trixie.” Katya’s voice was quieter, softer now, and her hands skimmed over the line of Trixie’s back. Trixie sunk down into her, letting their lips meld together. It felt effortless, natural, even as the feel of Katya’s lips opening Trixie’s against her own set a spark of fire low in her belly. Their bodies slotted together easily, Katya’s slim hips and bony knees tucked under Trixie’s thighs.

“I never want to stop kissing you,” Trixie said, out of breath and tingling all over. Katya grinned at her, bright as sunshine and making Trixie’s chest ache like she missed her somehow.

“I never want you to either,” she agreed. Trixie laughed, breathy and light, lips brushing against Katya’s again as heady, easy happiness flooded through her.

“Okay. I won’t,” she whispered, smiling against Katya’s lips and letting her eyes close.


End file.
